Troublesome critters

Another reporter this week was assigned to do a story on beaver sprawl. I would have done it myself, but every time I tried to utter or write the term, I was overcome by spasms of laughter. Must be an allergy or something.

New graffiti

In the alley behind Victor News on Park Street the word “Ichabod” appears in at least two locations. I wanted to investigate further, but some guy on a horse kept chasing me away.

Please rewind

An alert (and clearly lonely) reader wants to know – nay, DEMANDS to know – what the home entertainment giant Blockbuster plans to do with all of its adult videos now that most of its stores will be closing. It’s a fair question. Maybe the company could demonstrate its philanthropic side and hand the videos over to the charity group People Without Porn. They do good things.

Blade runner

I can’t tell you who, but a fantastically kind lady delivered me a remarkable gift this week. It’s a two-foot-long machete, complete with leather case, she procured while doing relief work in Haiti. I thought I’d ask how she managed to get such a fearsome item aboard a plane, but then decided to quietly study the little notches I discovered on the machete blade, instead. It seemed the polite thing to do.

For the record

It’s been more than a week since I called with questions about town stuff and I still haven’t heard back from the Lisbon town manager or the council chairman. This is going in my report.

In a fix

Our local home repair scammer failed to show up in court on Thursday and apparently beat feet. Isn’t it ironic how these guys can’t show up to pound a few nails when they promise to, but when the law gets on their tail, they become extremely motivated?

A strange, new world

An Earth-sized planet was found orbiting a nearby star recently and scientists believe it could harbor life. No word on who the leader of this new world is yet, but we’re told that Paul LePage will gladly tell him to go to hell.

Reader questions

A woman in Lewiston wants to know where bed bugs come from. Beats me. Until a month ago, I thought bed bugs were made up. So I took the question to an expert in Auburn who happens to be an expert on pestilence. His answer: Lewiston.

Another lady wanted to know how many times a woman has to be married before she realizes that all men are jackasses. My answer: I don’t know, baby. How about I come over to your place and we can talk about it.

You would have died

I had a really funny comment here – I mean Nobel Prize for Funny funny – about the dog abandoned at the boat launch in Auburn. However, the comment didn’t pass the good taste test so it was cut. Call me and I’ll tell you my very funny comment. For a dollar.