We were, well, aghast.

Just short of sickened. Visibly pained.

Five-inch heels don’t belong on L.L.Bean boot knockoffs. Yet there they were, like classic Bean winter wear that’s been subject to a science experiment, in both low-cut ($298) and lace-up, thigh-high ($398) styles, via Tommy Hilfiger.

From Hilfiger’s website:

“Designed for heel hunters and shoe collectors, this twist on the woodsman’s essential is fall’s signature style. . . . Due to overwhelming popularity, our (tall and brown low) duck boot is currently sold out. The blue low duck boot is still available in extremely limited quantities.”

Hold the phone.

Due to overwhelming popularity they’re sold out?

But … but … they’re ugly! And pricey. And in no way built for walking in real winter weather. (Crossing an ice-covered parking lot in stiletto heels? *Shudder*)

But let’s say you want $400 thigh-high duck boots — for some reason — and have been absolutely crushed by the out-of-stockness of it all. Good news! You can find cuter winter boots for a fraction of the price in L-A. For starters, we hit Kmart. Then we never left. Pair a healthy selection with a buy-one-get-one-half-off sale and voila — winter wear with zero ridiculousness or pretension. We rated everything on a swoon scale, 0-5, with points for looks and practicality.

And, hey, if our math is right, you can buy all of these boots and still pay less than you would for one pair of thigh-high duck boots. You know, if said boots were still being sold. Which they aren’t. Thank god.

* Route 66 Tamber II, $29.99

Very Viking-ish, these tall, faux-suede boots lace up the front, have thick treads and a chic amount of faux fur coming out the top.

Shopping Siren, swoon scale: 4. Not quite as feminine as I might like, but they look very comfy.

Bag Lady, swoon scale: 5. I love Vikings.

* Basic Edition Fawn ankle boots, $19.99

In blue, gray and black, with a slight heel, these reminded us of L.L.Bean’s popular winter slip-on mocs taken to the next level. Zip sides, decorative buttons.

SS: 3. Cute but not cute.

BL: 5. I’m not even sure what that means.

* Route 66 Honor cowboy boots, $29.99

Chunky 2½-inch heel, slouch sides, slight padding, in black or brown.

BL: 3. If I wanted to channel Sheryl Crow during a nor’easter I would completely wear these.

SS: 2. Please tell me there’s not a nor’easter coming yet.

* Route 66 Ilyssa Ugg-style boots, $29.99 for tall or $24.99 for short

Tall version comes in blue, camel or black. Short version comes in black, tan or chocolate brown (which was oddly labeled “ivory”). All flat soles; all very fuzzy.

BL: 2. I’ve never warmed to these despite their cockroach-like persistence.

SS: 3. Sure, they’re as ugly as a high-heeled duck boot, but so soft! Maybe, with the just-right jeans.

* Airstep Judy tall dress boots, $34.99

Slick, black faux-leather uppers, just short of the knee, with a sizable wedge heel.

BL: 5. Perfect for car to work, and wedge heel means no falling victim to uneven brick sidewalks. Or icy parking lots.

SS: 5. Stylish and practical. See, Hilfiger?

* Bongo Lug boot with studs, $29.99

Thick soles for all winter turf. Decorative studs and ankle-wrapping buckle for style. Go black for the Goth look or red for rocker chic.

BL: 4. But only in red.

SS: 5. Rock on, dude.

* Cobbie Cuddlers Tammy Cozy suede ankle boot, $29.99

Neutral sandy brown or black with faux fur along the edge of the cuff. Good padding inside, decent tread outside.

 SS: 5. Waaaarm.

BL: 3. Bag Lady’s mom would wear these. I’ll say no more.

* Piper & Blue Haigh Rainboot, $22.99

Rubber, knee-high boots in various designs, including zebra print and rainbow stripe. Not all of Maine’s winter is snow. There’s also slush.

SS: 3. I would totally wear these. Possibly. Someday. Not out in public.

BL: 5. Would parade Lisbon Street in these. Tastefully.

* Coleman hiking boots, $19.99

In tan with purple accents or gray with blue accents.

SS: 5. Tough but stylish. No slipping on ice. No worrying about snow-damaged leather. No spending a half-hour lacing them up.

BL: 5. Great for snow-shoveling, freeing cars from snowbanks and tracking elusive creatures in the woods. I think we found a winner!

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who love ducks but not duck boots) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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