The friendly skies

Now we can all look forward to heavy petting at the airport whenever we have to fly. It’s a pity, because airports were always such fun places before. Many plan to boycott the airlines until this hysteria is over. For the rest of you, there are a few choices: Suck it up and get groped, complain or fly naked. Or you could do what a friend of mine has planned: “Next time I have to fly, I’m not going to complain. I’m going to moan very loudly.”

Here’s looking at you

Every time I get one of those body scans at the airport, it’s the same thing. The security guy says “Wow!” and then waves me through.

I just hope that for scanning passengers, they’re not using the same X-ray technology you can find at the back of your better comic books. I sent away for the X-ray specs years ago and, brother, I’m hear to tell you they don’t work. Neither does the “throw your voice” gadget. My whole childhood was a bitter disappointment.

Sex, Drugs and Blueberries

An anonymous person sent me a copy of a book by that title. Which is funny because that was going to be the name of my personal memoir before I got married. I almost never have blueberries anymore.

Now hiring closers

That’s an actual sign posted outside an actual Burger King in Auburn. After the season he had, Jonathan Papelbon would be lucky to get that gig. (That’s right, frequent contributor named Steve. I’m stealing your stuff outright these days. My shame is great.)

In Texas

A woman was found half-naked with sex toys and a loaded gun in a motel parking lot. Big whoop. That’s not even news up here. We’ve got 3-year-olds out hunting in the woods of Leeds.

Black Friday

Is just five days away. I’m not big into shopping, but this is prime time to play Wal-Mart Bingo. (If you don’t know what Wal-Mart Bingo is, for God’s sake, don’t look it up. Once you get in, it’s hard to get out.)

Harry Potter

I can’t help but wonder how things are going in the life of the guy who plays this adolescent wizard. Having seen for myself the shrieking throngs that turn out for the movies, I’ve got to think that this bespectacled actor carries his Wand of Conquest everywhere he goes.

Cougar sighting

Much fuss is being made about this business in the Farmington area. Did they see a cougar? Are they mistaken? I don’t know what the deal is with Farmington, but around here, you can see entire cougar hives at any high school football game.

Subtle

Someone, no idea who, left an Olympia Sports gift card on my desk in the newsroom. What the hell is this? Are you saying I need to buy myself a treadmill? Are you saying I’m fat?

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