Man, oh man. Did we strike gold.

For today’s feature, we have nearly two dozen of the world’s funniest people on the planet. We don’t have to pay them and, in fact, most of them don’t know we’re using their work at all. These comics don’t work the clubs and they’re not trying to sell you their latest CD.

These funny guys are kids just learning to use spoken language as a means of communication. And they use it everywhere. In line at the grocery store, at the head of the classroom, at the dinner table when you have guests over. Kids can make you laugh, all right. They can also get you busted if they choose to repeat something you would rather not be repeated.

Kids are the funniest of them all and the reason is simple: Nothing will bust your gut quite like wit delivered unintentionally. From the mouths of babes come truths no adult dares to speak, and they are uttered in complete innocence.

Bill Cosby knew it and so did Art Linkletter before him. In the late ’90s, Cosby hosted “Kids Say the Darndest Things” and the one-time king of comedy was wise enough to know that he could not compete with the raw talent he invited to his show. The best part of the show was when Cosby wasn’t talking at all. The premise, of course, was based on an earlier TV sensation: Art Linkletter’s House Party, which featured an entire segment on kids uttering funny, shocking or embarrassing lines.

Cute and witty children have always been money in the bank for those who can successfully capitalize on it. But for most, the utterances by those cunning, little tykes are a day-to-day experience in which you never know what’s coming next. And with that in mind, it’s time to let our comedians — via their parents — take the stage.

Nancy Townsend Johnson

My daughter had lost her first tooth and placed it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. The next morning she came bounding down the stairs shouting, “I know where the tooth fairy lives! I know where the tooth fairy lives!!” Running up to me, she showed me the Canadian quarter I had put under her pillow the night before and triumphantly exclaimed, “Canada!”

Janice Conant

One day when I was out with my 4-year-old granddaughter (Ariel), she was talking about a cute dog that she saw a fat lady holding. I explained to her to not call anyone fat because it might hurt their feelings and make them feel bad. She seemed to understand. A few days later we were in the grocery store and in the line at the checkout. As we made our way to the front of the line, and was in front of a well-proportioned cashier, my granddaughter Ariel turns to me and says in her loud voice, “I won’t call that lady fat, Gammie, because that might hurt her feelings.” Needless to say, my face was beet red as I payed the cashier.

Kathy-Jo Farren

I overheard a conversation between my son and daughter about where babies come from. He told her that she had been in my stomach. She argued that she had not. She then said, “I am going to ask Mommy.” I told her that she had in fact been in my tummy before she was born, then braced myself for the question “How did I get out?” She instead replied emphatically, “Don’t you ever put me in there again!”

Elizabeth Shardlow

From my then-3-year-old, Rory, who had witnessed his brother’s birth, “Mommy, I don’t like the baby. Put him back in your ‘gy-nah’!”

Upon spotting the colorful Downeast Oil truck pulling into a driveway, “Look Mom! They’re getting a delivery of Puffins (the cereal)!”

And perhaps my favorite one, in the middle of the grocery store, after making an awful noise dragging the rusty wheels of a shopping cart around a very crowded aisle, “Nice fart Mom!”

Mary Graziano

Referring to 2- 1/2-year-old Halen:

At the restaurant one day, she is running around playing, and spots her tricycle. She yells out “Oh! There’s-a my bicycle!” in true Italian form!

Halen likes when we are in a store, walking by people, to say,  “Hi, I am Halen.” Or, “Hi, I am poop poop.” When you say “I love you” to her, she replies with “I love you 2, 3, 4, 5” or “I love you 2, 3, poop.” Yes, her favorite word right now is “poop.” Go figure.

Beryle Martin

I was shopping with my grandson and he had picked out a pair of ugly shoes. I told him that we couldn’t buy them because his father would kill me. We continued looking around at other things when he said to me “Grammie, Daddy wouldn’t really kill you, would he? I don’t think he has a real gun.”

Richard Pelletier

During a conversation with our neighbor’s 5-ish little girl, she asked if we had kids. I replied that we had four, and that the oldest was 50. With an expression of amazement she replied. “Wow, she’s older than you.”

Sandy Turcotte

My 8-year-old granddaughter, Reese, was sitting next to me on the couch while I was patting my cat Shady. She asked me, “Meme, do you sometimes talk to yourself?” I thought about it for a few seconds and said “Yea, I guess I do sometimes.” With a serious and concerned look, Reese replied, “I feel sorry for people who live alone with cats.”

It makes me want to re-evaluate my life!

Catherine Lavallee

On Election Day, my twin girls were listening to the news and playing, and somehow it got mixed up and they got together all their tea party stuff and their pretend food, and decided to have a Democrat Party with Democrat Cake.

I tried to explain to them that Mommy is a Republican so they should have a Republican Party. They told me that it was their party and they wanted to have a Democrat Party.

They’re only 3, dude.

Elaine Kenyon Day

Our cousin’s grandson said to his mother, “Mom, I can spell my name.” Amanda said, “How do you spell it?” Maxx replied, “Up down up down, circle flick, ex, ex.”

Nancy Townsend Johnson

My son was 4 at the time. . . . We had a new puppy, so I sat my 4-year-old down to explain that he needed to be very gentle with the puppy because Alex was a baby dog and you have to be very careful with babies. He was wonderful with Alex, and after a couple of days I complimented him on it. Thinking how I might reinforce it into his future, I said, “That makes me think that when you grow up and have babies of your own, you will be very gentle with them, too.” He nodded and said, “Yes, I will treat them just like dogs.”

Tamara Moran

On the Sunday before Labor Day my daughter Dominique exclaimed that she couldn’t believe I had to work the next day. After all, I had done it twice! (You see Dominique has a baby sister, and she thought Labor Day was CHILD LABOR day. Not that it shouldn’t be!

Sandy Turcotte

I have a Thomas Kincaid clock on the wall that on the hour birds tweet. My 3-year-old grandson, JT, heard it for the first time and looked at the clock with a puzzled look and looked at me . . . and he said, “Meme, take the birds out of the clock before they break it.”

Nancy Townsend Johnson

I was very careful about what my children ate; store-bought snacks were a rare thing. One day I was picking up a few things at the market and saw a display of animal crackers. I impulsively decided to treat my 4-year-old, so grabbed a box and handed it to him. He looked the box over and then asked. “What is this?” I said, “Those are animal crackers, hon (feeling a tinge of guilt).” “Oh,” he said, and after a pause asked, “Well, can people eat them, too?”

Catherine Lavallee

Here are some words you don’t want to hear when you realize your 3 1/2-year-old twins have been quiet for quite awhile. “We’re cracking eggs Mommy.”

Jennifer Warriner

When my son was in kindergarten he read me a story he wrote. He read the entire thing and on the back page he had written “DN.” When he got finished, he said “DN.” I asked him what “DN” meant. He said, “Mom, it’s what you always say at the end of every story: DN.”

Oh, we French Canadians.

Sally Theriault

When my youngest daughter (who is 26 now) was 3 years old, my sister took her grocery shopping. She was really acting up in the grocery store. When my sister was done and brought my daughter outside, she asked her why she acted so badly in the store. My darling 3-year-old replied, “The devil made me do it!”

Kathie Dolan

A while back, I was standing near a Somali woman, dressed in her full outfit. Next to her was a mother and 4-year-old girl who was very new to this area, straight from “The County.” The little girl had obviously never seen a Somali because she stared at her, eyes getting bigger and bigger, when all of a sudden in a very loud, astonished voice, says “Mommy, look, it’s Jesus!”

Lois Daggett

My 3-year-old granddaughter was sitting on her grandfather’s lap when he decided to give her a kiss on the cheek. She immediately reached up and rubbed her hand across her cheek. He said, “Ellie, don’t wipe my kiss off.” And she said, “Papa, I’m not. I’m rubbing it in!”

Becky Morgan

It was difficult when our 14-year-dog Dave died, but our 3-year-old grandson Ryan Lane seemed to understand my explanation. “Dave the Dog has gone to heaven,” I told him, “but we will all see him again when we go to heaven.” Dave was a good friend for a long time, so how could we believe otherwise?

Ryan and I were sitting on a stone fence a few weeks later when he asked me if Grampy and I still lived with two cats and Dave the Dog.

“No honey,” I said gently. “We have two cats, but Dave went to heaven.”

He shook his head sadly and slapped his little knee. “Not again!” he said.

Stefanie Mills

My son Dominic, who is now 5, can make me laugh like no one I have ever met. Here are a few of the moments I have saved.

When he was 4, while going to bed: “Mom, if I get out of bed to play, I will lose something, right?” Me: “Yes, Dominic, you will.” Dominic: “Like school in the morning?”

And again when he was 4: I told Dominic it was Aunt Ashley’s birthday. He spent a good five minutes trying to convince me that he didn’t need to go to school because it was her birthday!

“Mom, do you know how God makes it rain? He takes a really big water bottle with a lot of little holes. He walks around the Earth shaking the water bottle and makes it rain!”

The Rev. Doug Taylor

As you know, our household is all about God, the Bible and prayer. When you mix all of this up with potty training, it can put a new spin on a sermon for sure. I was in the process of assisting my 2 1/2-year-old son Japheth, who is now 16 years old. It was kind of like a game of monkey-see monkey-do between morning and evening church services. I was in the bathroom showing my son how to go peepee when he joined me, looked into the toilet and said “Hey dad look! We’re making a cross together!” This is the kind of story that is too cute to be kept hidden behind stained-glass windows.

Unfortunately, some submissions were received too late for us to include in the story. We appreciate everyone who participated.

A pro (and dad) on why kids are so funny

Earlier this year, I was hosting at an early-evening fundraiser at a Knights of Columbus hall near my home, which created an opportunity for my 4-year-old to see Daddy’s standup comedy.

The wife and I had a plan: I would do five to 10 squeaky clean minutes and then bring up another comedian as she hustled my daughter out of the hall and home to bed.

“What material are you doing?” asked my wife, who proceeded to veto several otherwise clean bits by asking, “Do you want to explain that to her tomorrow?”

The show was priceless. Sitting with her grandparents and her mom, my daughter was all dressed up and ladylike. As people applauded, she applauded. When they laughed, she laughed.

Then the set ended and she held my wife’s hand as they walked out of the hall.

In the lobby, she turned to my wife and said, “When is Daddy going to tell jokes?”

So, kids can be funny, but this anecdote illustrates that they can also be very cruel.

If you have ever needed to explain why a nose has holes, you know that kids are funny. More accurately, the interaction of adults with kids brings the funny, as it does when your 3-year-old walks into the kitchen and explains that “‘Dora Saves the Crystal Kingdom’ is sponsored by Macy’s, Glow Doodles and Cruisers — a diaper that holds in pee for a long time.”

Last summer, I wrote two columns about my daughter for The Boston Globe — the first when she attended her first baseball game and the second when she sold lemonade to raise money for a local park. Shortly thereafter, she was at the park and showed my wife a new trick she’d learned on the climbing bars. Hanging upside down, she asked, “Do you think The Globe will want to send a photographer?”

Why are they so funny? There are similarities between professional comedians and funny little kids. The best humor comes from surprise, and from seeing the world from a different perspective. Like any good comedy, it may help adults relax a little, and view our own lives in a different way.

Another thing kids share in common with comedians is likability. Being likable will get the audience on your side, and who’s more likable than a little kid? If it’s our own child, that factor increases infinity-fold.

Want to test that theory? The next time you see your spouse, explain that, “Girls are better than boys because girls are much fancier.”

As your spouse stares at you blankly, imagine how much better that line would go over if you were a 4-year-old girl.

Dave Rattigan is a professional writer and comedian. He is performing Saturday, Dec. 4, at the Fireside Inn & Suites, Auburn. For more, go to www.daverattigan.com

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