There’s something enthralling about a royal wedding.

Maybe it’s the pomp and circumstance, all grand ceremony, elegance and sparkle. Maybe it’s the fairy tale-ness of it all: Princess and prince marry in a magical ceremony, doves appear, bright smiles abound, then the couple lives happily ever after. (If that’s at all inaccurate, Shopping Siren blames Disney.)

Whatever the reason, the upcoming marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton has mesmerized people around the world. The countdown to April 29 is, for some, like the countdown to the Super Bowl. Just with more lace and fine bone china.

While I’m not swooning in anticipation, exactly, I do love a good wedding. The more sparkly the better. And William and Kate’s wedding is guaranteed to dazzle.

So as the day nears and international excitement intensifies (Who’s invited? What will the ceremony look like? What will she wear?), I went surfing around the Web to find the finest wedding merch. And, er, custom barf bags?

Maybe not everyone loved Disney movies as a kid. 

* Official tea towel, www.royalcollectionshop.co.uk, $12.75 (All prices may vary slightly based on exchange rates)

This pretty powder blue and white official tea towel is elegantly monogrammed with the royal couple’s initials, C for Catherine and W for William. Above those initials? A little crown. Awww. Now to figure out what I’d use a tea towel for.

* Official commemorative plate, www.theukgiftcompany.co.uk, $52.99

 The center of this delicate plate bears the couple’s entwined initials in gold and silver, with the outer edge decorated in Cs and Ws. It’s like the alphabet plate you had when you were 3, only not plastic and there’s no Big Bird. (Side note: Maine’s own Nancy Marshall Communications of Augusta was chosen in December to market this site’s royal wedding memorabilia. Go Maine!)

* Royal couple caricature, www.theroyalweddingwilliamkate.com, $64.20

Like a caricature you’d sit for at a theme park or county fair. Colorful print shows squinty-eyed Prince William with an oversized jaw and large teeth. Kate is rosy-cheeked and sporting an engagement ring the size of a small child. The site calls this poster “beautifully designed.” And it does so seriously.

* Silver spoon, www.theroyalweddingwilliamkate.com, $8.01

For those of us who were not born with a silver spoon in our mouths but would like to have been. And at this price, take two.

* Royal wedding magnet, www.theroyalweddingwilliamkate.com, $4.01

Circular magnet has lovely pictures of Prince William and Kate in the center and their full names scrolled around the outer edge. “Catherine Elizabeth Middleton” is very nice, but I’m thinking “William Arthur Philip Louis Mountbatten-Windsor” probably gave young prince Wills some trouble in kindergarten.

* Kate Middleton royal engagement doll, www.franklinmint.com, $195

This 16-inch doll has a soft vinyl body, a handmade brown wig and a mini version of the blue dress Kate wore for the engagement announcement. For $295 — a mere $100 more — you can get the Kate Middleton royal wedding doll, with a hairstyle, tiara and dress. Can’t decide between Engagement Kate and Wedding Kate? The Franklin Mint has anticipated your problem! It’s selling both dolls together for $490. (Yes, I know, basic math tells you there’s no savings in buying the Engagement Kate and Wedding Kate together. Basic math will also tell you that you can get an entire horde of Princess Barbies for less than the cost of a single Kate. She’s beautiful, but she’s no bargain.) 

* Crown Jewels condoms, www.crownjewelscondoms.com, $8.03/3 pack

The website’s sales pitch: “Presented in a timeless souvenir heirloom collector’s box,” and “Includes a collectible portrait of the Royal Couple as they might appear on their wedding day — exclusively created for Crown Jewels,” plus allusions to, um, unforgettable occasions. I should also point to the fine print that says of these condoms, “… not suitable for contraception.”

This column isn’t long enough for all the jokes.

Best find: Engagement ring knockoff, www.theroyalweddingwilliamkate.com, $57.78

From the site: “Kate Middleton’s sapphire engagement ring. Sterling silver, platinum plated lab created diamond ring.” Not sure “platinum plated lab created” is a selling point. But the ring in the picture is very pretty.

Think twice: Royal wedding sick bag, http://lydialeith.bigcartel.com, $4.82

Designed by artist Lydia Leith, these red or blue (your choice!) sickness bags feature a line drawing of the royal couple, along with the tag line “Throne Up.” They encourage buyers to “Keep this bag handy on April 29th, 2011.” Hey, not everyone is enthused by royal weddings, I get that. But barf jokes? Have we really come to this? Where’s the respect? The honor? The pride in country? (OK, so it’s someone else’s country. Still.) Disney, cue those doves!

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who come from royal bloodlines) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com

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