DEAR ABBY: My wife of 16 years, “Barb,” and I argue constantly. We can’t seem to agree on anything, have few common interests and don’t enjoy our time together. Our love life is nonexistent. We have gone to three marriage counselors and it hasn’t helped. We now “get along” by avoiding each other.

I think it’s time we faced the fact that we’re never going to be happy together. When I bring this up with Barb, she gets angry and launches into the same old tirade, saying if I want a divorce I’ll have to get a lawyer.

Divorce will be difficult and costly enough without having to drag lawyers into it. I’d like us to agree that it’s time to split and use a mediator to work out the details. It will save us a lot of money and, hopefully, make the divorce less acrimonious.

I don’t understand why Barb wants to stay together when she’s so unhappy and we’re unable to make things better. How can I make her see that separating — in as kind a way as possible — will be best for us and the kids included? — “FORMER” HUSBAND IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR “FORMER” HUSBAND: Your wife may prefer the evils she’s living with to the unknown of being a divorcee with children. However, when a marriage is over — it’s over. And when it reaches the stage that yours has, what both parties need to be most concerned about is preservation of assets, so they aren’t dissipated in attorney’s fees.

I have seen both kinds of divorces — one in which the warring spouses spent so much money in litigation there was little left for each of them when it was over; and the other, in which the couple agreed their marriage was broken beyond repair and arranged their divorce with as little cost as possible. I don’t have to tell you which people are doing well now. So clip this and share it with your wife.

DEAR ABBY: If no one answers the phone when my mother calls, she shouts on the answering machine for my children (ages 18 and 12) to “pick up!” Then she’ll try my cell phone once or twice in quick succession before calling back on the house phone and leaving a cranky message. It’s never an emergency; she just wants to chat.

I understand that Mom is frustrated, but sometimes we are resting, eating dinner or are otherwise indisposed. And yes, there are times when we’re not in the mood to talk. She lectures me constantly about how my husband and I are teaching our children to be disrespectful by ignoring her calls. (Their teachers and other adults regularly comment about how polite they are.)

I see nothing wrong with letting a call go to voicemail if I can’t or don’t want to talk at that moment, and I always return Mom’s call. I also encourage my kids to call her, but she doesn’t make it easy when she begins a conversation with, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude not to answer the phone?” Do I owe her an apology, or does she need to be more patient? — “PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE …”

DEAR PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE …: Your mother apparently feels that her needs and wishes automatically take precedence over whatever else may be happening in your lives. You do not owe her any apologies, and yes, she does need to be more patient. But she won’t get that message until you are able to communicate it clearly and directly to her. You are no longer a child, and you should not be expected to drop everything anytime your mother wants to “chat.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby — Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

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