Honestly, if Shopping Siren had her way, she’d exist almost entirely on chocolate chip cookies.

Plus, potato chips

And pepperoni pizza. Soda. Snack cakes of various kinds.

My dream diet isn’t very diet-y.

But while I’m a grownup and allowed to eat a box of cookies for breakfast and a container of ice cream for dinner (huzzah!), I don’t do it. Much. I’ve heard too often about the dangers of high-fat, high-sugar, highly processed foods to be completely comfortable with a steady diet of them. I reach for the chips and hear an admonishing voice in the back of my head yammer about clogged arteries and plaque buildup. Oddly, it sounds a lot like Mr. T. 

I pity the fool who doesn’t get enough fiber.

But I still want junk food. The more junk-like, the better. So this week I wandered into the newer, larger Axis Natural Foods in Auburn in search of a happy medium, a way to have my junk food and eat it, too. Healthy chocolate! Soda substitutes! Potato chip possibilities! 

I don’t know if any of my Axis discoveries will ever completely replace a good snack cake, what with that crinkly wrapper, chocolate frosting, cream filling and all. But there are some good options. 

Now pass me the vegan marshmallows. 

* Maine Root sodas, $1.60/12-ounce bottle

Based in Portland, Maine, Root bills its sodas as handcrafted and all-natural, made with organic, evaporated, sugar-cane juice. Flavors include root beer, mandarin orange, blueberry, lemon-lime, ginger brew and sarsaparilla. It’s still soda, but maybe it’s better-for-you soda? At least that’s what I’ll be telling myself when I’m downing my third one at the neighborhood barbecue this summer.  

* Primal Stick, $1.79

Vegan, pepperoni flavored. Think beef jerky, but without all that annoying beef.

* Dark chocolate-covered almonds, $6.45/pound

Dark chocolate is good for you. Almonds are good for you. Together, they’re like healthy candy!

* Boyajian dipping oils, 8 ounces, $7.50

Bottles of olive oil infused with spices and herbs, such as basil, sage, thyme and rosemary. Perfect for bread. Because when was the last time your butter had thyme?

* Clockspring zinfandel, $7.99

According to the tag on the shelf, this red wine is organic. Which makes it both good for your heart and … organic. 

* Maine Sea Salt Company salt and grinder, 4 ounces, $5.99

Sea salt is supposed to be more flavorful and less processed than traditional table salt. These natural sea-salt crystals come in a cute little grinder, for when your freshly ground pepper needs a freshly ground salt friend.

* Sweet & Sara’s toasted coconut marshmallows, 8.5 ounces, $5.99

Vegan marshmallows topped with toasted coconut. I have nothing to say about this but, “Mmm.”

Best find: Stacy’s Simply Naked Pita Chips, 8 ounces, $2.19

The only food that will ever lure me away from good old-fashioned potato chips. They’re crunchy, slightly salty and have a flavor more intense than any basic potato chip I’ve found. I could easily eat the whole bag in one sitting. Um. Which, now that I think about it, probably isn’t such a good thing.

Think twice: Rite Chocolate, 12 ounces, $33.75

Spoonable chocolate with ingredients that include raw honey, raw organic virgin coconut oil and raw organic cacao. Don’t get me wrong, I’m wildly in favor of any and every jar of spoonable chocolate. But nearly $34? I could buy more than 5 pounds of dark chocolate-covered almonds for that. And there would be almonds! (For $10,000, according to the Rite Chocolate website, you can get a lifetime subscription — two jars a month for life, and free shipping.) I’m sure New Gloucester-based Rite Chocolate is very good, but the price is too high for me to justify the expense. Though if I ever spent $34 on a 12-ounce jar of anything, I guarantee it would be chocolate.

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want no part of a stick that’s neither meat nor actual stick) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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