When I was a kid, my mother warned me that a boy – big or wee – had no business inside a woman’s purse. The dark and perfumed world within a closed pocketbook was off-limits to my gender and that was that.

I am forever grateful for the lesson. To this day, purses confound and frighten me, no matter who happens to be clutching it. There might be nuclear launch codes in there. There might be a knot of snakes, with hot bodies and slick fangs. The fact is, I don’t know what goes on inside a woman’s purse. I like it that way.

And yet if you’re a boy (big or wee) you cannot avoid them completely. How many times have you been in line at the supermarket while the lady in front of you digs through her purse in an effort that requires both hands and on occasion, a small shovel. They never do the digging ahead of time. They wait until it’s time to pay. And if you’re a man, you have to pretend you don’t notice. You look around the store. You whistle and scan the tabloid headlines. Your eyes are everywhere except upon the purse, because to behold the contents might drive you mad.

I didn’t ask for this assignment, it was thrust upon me. Truth be told, I’d rather explore the secrets of the Lewiston sewer than wonder aloud what goes on inside the weird world of the feminine handbag. Alas, the question was asked and the answers were many. I know far more about the workings of the purse, both physical and spiritual, than I ever wanted to know.

Into that sweet smelling sewer we go.

Clever Container Consultant

Jennifer Martel knows a thing or two about how to manage a purse. In fact, she teaches a course in it. No, really. Martel instructs others on what to keep inside their shoulder-slug or elbow-tucked accessories. Turns out it’s not as easy as it looks (not that we were looking).

“I like to start my classes by talking about how a purse is more than just a piece of baggage,” Martel tells me, and I’m already scared. “It’s a medicine cabinet, convenience store, first aid kit, daily planner, etc. I describe a common scenario of a woman’s cellphone ringing and it’s in the bottom of her purse, hence begins that frantic search for it, all while taking things out and dumping out the entire contents of her purse only to finally find the phone and the call has gone to voicemail. It’s embarrassing and frustrating, so organizing your purse can eliminate that frustration.”

Martel can tell you what to keep in your purse and what to dump. Because women know – and men suspect – that there are things in there that belong in a tool shed, a basement, a bunker or a cave, instead of a dainty, little purse.

“Typical purse snafus involve the never-ending abyss of stuff which leads to not being able to find anything,” Martel says, “and purses so packed they are bulging at the zipper, and the woman who switches purses so often she has stuff in each one and can’t remember which bag a certain item is in.”

Chiropractors say a purse should not weigh more than 3 pounds. Yet Martel found that the average purse (she weighs them) is somewhere closer to 7 pounds.

So, what’s in there? What takes up all that space and hides your keys and cellphone and cash when I’m standing behind you in line at Shaw’s?

God help us all, I had to ask.

Let’s Make a Deal

Jo Anne Teacutter, owner South of the Border Mexican Restaurant in Lewiston

“Assorted makeup, perfume, brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, business cards, tampons, notebook, pen, camera, tiny hair straightener, checkbook, four credit cards, elastics, clamps, paper clips, Band-Aids, Neosporin, license, 16 store cards, four lighters, keys, extra contacts, coupons, flashlight, Leatherman, girly flowery hammer (my husband would never borrow) with four screwdrivers built in the handle, Phillips and straight screwdrivers, WD-40 pen, bungee cord, cellphone, pepper spray.”

If you’re on a plane that goes down in an uninhabited section of the Andes, pray that Teacutter is with you. Pray also that her purse does not land on you.

Mary Ellen Davis, Lewiston

“Prayer books, rosary, cellphone, tissues, pens, pencil, wallet.”

Very manageable. How come Mary Ellen is never the one in front of me at Shaw’s?

Melissa LeClair, Turner

“I have just about everything but the kitchen sink. There’s medication, pens, Search Word, wallet, hand sanitizer, note pad, take-out menus, rosary and the other thing that isn’t in it is money.”

Pamela Thoits, Auburn

“Tin of Altoids, hand cream, two lipstick tubes, planner, change purse, three pens, aspirin, checkbook, lint brush, sewing kit, first aid kit, keys, cellphone, bubbles.”

Wait, bubbles?

“Instead of flipping people off when I’m in my car,” Thoits explains, “I blow bubbles at them.”

Allisa Milliard, Sabattus

“In my purse, I carry a Leatherman multi-tool, a small flashlight, a roll of electrical tape, twine, pocket knife, a small portable first aid kit, Advil, tissues, pack of playing cards, match book and lighter (though I don’t smoke), pocket New Testament Bible, as well as the usual: wallet, checkbook, day planner and cellphone. I don’t carry a purse, I carry an urban survival kit! It weighs about 15 pounds, so I could probably beat someone senseless with it. I am 31 years old and I live in Sabattus. I went to college in Presque Isle, so traveling alone from Lewiston in a hunk-of-junk car pre-cellphone years taught me a lot about preparedness.”

Lorraine Burnham, Jay

“I have a red heart my husband carved for me that says ‘I love you’ on it. He gave it to me when we were sweethearts in high school. We were married on Dec. 14, 1963. I have carried the heart in my purse every day since the day he gave it to me. It has changed purses over the years many times, but it is with me every day. That is the oldest item I have in my purse.”

All together now: Awwwwww!

Christina Thistlewaite, Lewiston

“I carry a very nice Coach patchwork purse that I am known for dumping out on the floor at work in order to locate items. I am an RN so I have 29 pens mostly from our pharmacy, 13 lip glosses of the fruit variety, my stethoscope (that sucker was pricey), packages of tea and Crystal Light, a Bert and Ernie wallet, a checkbook for an account I haven’t had for two years, unpaid bills and a performance evaluation for one of my staff that I really should complete so she can get a raise. As for food mishaps, there have been many, but the most memorable involved a Caesar salad.”

Suze Bilodeau, Lakeland, Fla.

“I don’t tote the cats around in it, but I do carry everything else – sunblock, wallet, eyeglasses, medications, cosmetics, hairspray, sunglasses with case and anti-bacterial hand gel. I’m not one of those tiny little clutch girls – I need a doggone suitcase.”

Marty Corey, Poland

“I always carry hot pepper flakes in a film canister, and during bug season I also carry Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer so I can make a paste and apply it to bites. Same at 70 as it was at 50!”

Janice Rawson, Poland

“It is not about what I have in my purse, it is about what I found in my purse.

“In June 2005, I bought a cheap pink purse at Kmart in Auburn. The purse was stuffed with paper (like old-fashioned math paper.) At home, I pulled out the paper and there was a note written in pencil and in Chinese characters. My son Nate was taking Chinese at UMF. He couldn’t read it but he took it to his Chinese Chinese professor. The professor said it was written in very common characters. The note says something like “Help we are being held prisoner in a factory . . .

“Why did I wait until 2011 to tell the story? Believe me I have shared or tried to share this story numerous times. I contacted the Sun Journal, Channel 6 News, our U.S. senators and representatives. I started with Kmart locally and then headquarters.

“I was a middle school social studies teacher and have used the pink purse story to discuss civic involvement, and that sometimes no matter what you do, no one will help. But you have got to try. I now teach sixth-grade and use the story when we learn about modern China.”

Sounds like an urban legend. Probably not true, but a hell of a story. And while I have your attention: Help! I’m stuck in a newsroom being forced to write about purses.

Jennifer Martel’s tips

Start by dumping out the entire purse and brushing out any crumbs, etc.

Get rid of any trash (wrappers, used tissues, gum wrappers) and then sort the rest of the remaining items into like piles.

Pile 1: Items that don’t belong in your purse: nail polish, receipts that should be filed, library books, important papers, etc.

Pile 2: Medicines/first aid: Band-Aids, medicines, creams, anti-itch spray for bug bites

Pile 3: Financial items: checkbook, wallet, spare change, bills (I say never keep bills or any important papers in your purse because if it gets lost so do those items)

Pile 4: Convenience store items: gum, mints, snacks for kids, drinks

Pile 5: Everything else

“I then start to show certain . . . products geared toward certain piles and show how they can be used,” says Martel.

To contact Martel: jreny2000@yahoo.com

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