DEAR ABBY: My friend “Sarah” is married to “Karl,” who emotionally abuses her. My husband and I used to spend a lot of time with them, but we have gradually dropped Karl from our circle because we can’t tolerate the way he treats her.

Sarah has asked me not to drop HER because she has very few friends left. She stays with Karl because she’s afraid she’ll lose too much financially if they divorce. I have tried to tell her that her happiness should outweigh her desire for material things, but she likes living in her fancy home.

Karl hasn’t worked in almost 10 years and does nothing but drink and belittle Sarah. He’s also hostile to her adult children, who are fabulous people. If Sarah wants to see her grandchildren, she goes to their home because he doesn’t want them around. Abby, this is a career woman who could retire in a few years but probably won’t because her work is her escape.

I think Sarah is living a miserable existence. She deserves so much more. I know I’m not being as good a friend as I can be — and I feel guilty — but I have lost respect for her. I’m sick of hearing how “he’s trying to be better.” It’s hard to watch someone who chooses to live her one life this way. How can we support her when we can’t stand her spouse or understand her reason for staying in a loveless marriage? — RUNNING SHORT ON SYMPATHY IN TEXAS

DEAR RUNNING SHORT: Much as you might like to, you can’t run your friend’s life or use your personal yardstick to measure what is important to her. After years of verbal abuse, Sarah’s self-esteem may be shaky, and she doesn’t feel prepared to take the financial hit that a divorce would cause.

Your friend could use both counseling and legal advice, and if you care about her, you should suggest it. But other than that, if you want to remain friends, my advice is to stop judging her.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered from severe depression and low self-esteem when I was younger. Because I didn’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with what I was going through, I starved and cut myself.

I got treatment, gained weight and stopped cutting. I’m 30 now, married and much happier. I’m at a healthy weight, so my past eating disorder is no longer obvious. But the scars I bear from the self-injury can be seen from across a room. I dress modestly to cover them most of the time, but I don’t want to wear long sleeves and pants for the rest of my life out of fear of what people might say.

I’d like to wear a swimsuit or tank tops in the summer, but I have no idea how to address the stares and questions that would go along with that. How do you advise me to deal with the reaction of others to my scars? I don’t necessarily want to discuss my past depression. — WAY BEYOND IT NOW IN OREGON

DEAR WAY BEYOND IT: Because your scars are so noticeable, my advice is to be honest. An alternative might be to wear sun-protective jackets when you’re not in the water, which more and more smart people do these days to avoid sun damage.

However, because you do not wish to cover up, you will have to deal with the inevitable questions. How much you choose to reveal would depend upon who is asking. You don’t have to share intimate details with a stranger. A way to deflect it would be to respond, “That’s very personal and I’d rather not discuss it.” However, if someone you know is asking out of concern, you might handle it by saying: “When I was a teenager I became depressed and cut myself. But that was a long time ago.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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