Bug eyes

So, I’m riding my motorcycle out Main Street in Lewiston the other day when I passed an apple red Volkswagen Bug with eyelashes. Swear to God. The bug was sporting long, thick lashes above each headlight. Very sexy. And as it got closer, the flirty little bug winked at me and licked its lips. Swear to God, it did. I remember it distinctly because this was right after I stopped and took a long drink from the mighty Androscoggin.

Aho in the bucket

What is it about city managers? Every time I get to liking one, they run him out of town. It’s happened with the esteemed Glenn Aho and it happened before with . . . With that, ah . . .

OK, this is the only time it’s happened.

Occupy Mechanic Falls!

This is the political cry of an alert reader who burns with political passion. And possibly some kind of fever. I have absolutely no idea what it means. Of course, I have no idea what Occupy Wall Street means, either. Until today, I thought it was either an Oliver Stone film or some kind of Monopoly maneuver.

Country stars to play Colisee

Country, blech. I don’t care for it, sir. Don’t care for it at all. Admittedly, my aversion to country music probably stems from the time I worked as a bus boy at a truck stop. Either that or it was the horrible thing that happened to me when I played a Conway Twitty album backward. I don’t like to talk about it.

Canal crash

Glad the driver walked away from it unscathed. One question, though. If you drive into the canal, do you get to keep anything you find down there? There’s some really good stuff at the bottom in the Lewiston canals. Please get back to me on this before the water freezes.

Wrong to steal. Yes it Tizz

Apparently, in Auburn, Tizz Crowley’s campaign signs have been disappearing left and right. A full third of them are gone. It’s just unbelievable. I haven’t seen anything like it since Elwood Ptooey made his run for for city council back in ’85.

What did Carl do?

Carl Peed. I kid you not. Carl Peed is the name of a one-time sheriff in Fairfax County, Virgina. Is that awesome, or what?

Damn it, now I have to go.

Ho Headquarters

At Wal-Mart right now, you’ll find a life-size Santa Claus cutout announcing that His Elfiness will be at the store in a few weeks. Isn’t that great? This year, even before Halloween, we can start encouraging our children to sit on the laps of strangely-always-jolly bearded men who know when we’ve been bad or good and sneak into our homes at night.

 Bless the beasts

So, I went over to challenge.aspcapro.org to cast a vote for the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society in the ASPCA $100K challenge. If they land in the top three, the shelter will get grant money to help them keep doing the good things they do. I recommend you head over there and cast your vote, as well. It’s good to be kind to the animal shelter. You could end up there yourself someday, if you keep behaving the way you do.