When you call yourself the Everything Warehouse, you invite expectations that are at once high and hazy.

Everything purple? Everything kittens? Everything floor lamps, alpacas and mittens?

Apologies. We go to intrigue and whimsy very easily. But it’s Everything Warehouse.

The warehouse has beckoned for a few months from outer Lisbon Street, across from the University of Southern Maine’s Lewiston-Auburn College campus. Bag Lady and Shopping Siren finally made it in this week, entirely unsure what to expect except, you know, everything.

Turns out it’s not quite Marden’s, not quite Dollar Tree, not quite everything.

But there’s potential. It’s also the sort of place where a little more signage and price tags would go a long way.

The first long room of the store is filled with an odd-lot assortment of discount, mostly recently expired food, steamer vacuums, pretty handbags, clothes and holiday decorations. The second, massive warehouse room, well, that’s where the signage could come in handy. We weren’t entirely sure customers were allowed in. But, good news, they are! So, we moseyed among a huge array of bookcases, desks and entertainment centers, some with slight dings, others this-could-be-the-star-of-your-home-office sharp, none with price tags. Not even an “Ask us!” or “Make an offer!”

Also in the massive warehouse space: antique snowmobiles, a new oven, slightly used office chairs (some with a former waiting room vibe) and more random discount finds.

Come mosey with us:

* Old school lockers, $99.99

A bay of six narrow, slate-blue lockers, a little banged up. Or, as we like to say, authentic. The teen angst isn’t even scrubbed off. Itching to be a sweet piece in someone’s rec or mud room.

* Lobster traps, $19.99

Also authentic, we think — they certainly looked it. Who doesn’t need a lobster trap under the Christmas tree?

* NYC purses, $25

Very sidewalk-vendor-in-New-York-esque. But they were pink and purple and shiny, so we could forgive the lack of display and questionable procurement. Not that we question where they came from. We’re sure it’s completely on the up and up. It’s just … you didn’t hear about these from us.

* Hallmark picture frame shadow box, $5.99

Very sweet, with a raised heart in the center. And two-thirds off retail. Which means one of the things you’ll have around to frame is extra cash.

* Jack’s Links sweet and hot beef nuggets, 3.25 oz., $1.99

Two words: Beef nuggets! With a best-before date of October 2011. Ehh, we’re not that far into November. Beef-nugget it up.

* Gold Medal sports net, $19.99

Big and, er, netty. Your options are endless, so we’re just going to go with “for sports stuff.”

* Office chairs, various prices

Slightly dinged desk chairs for $29.99 or an Aeron-like office chair in great condition for $34.99. There were some leftover lobby/waiting room chairs, too, but without prices that we could find. One of these days, we’re going to assume a lack of a price tag means it’s free. 

* Assorted scarves, $12

Cashmere, so sayeth the handwritten sign. And who are we to argue?

* Nerf Super Soaker “Point Break” style, $6.49

Shoots water up to 16 feet. Anything that reminds us of Patrick Swayze is a win.

* Team Tubez water balloons, 175 count, $1.99

Like the water gun above, these water balloons are not so seasonally appropriate, but at almost a penny per, they’re worth holding onto for a few months.

* Liberty sump pump, $559

This is where we decided, OK, maybe the Everything Warehouse does have everything. Except the kitchen sink.

Though there might be one of those in the back.

Best find: Long metal street signs, $14.99

Another rec room or kid’s room must-have: “Space Traveler,” “Hog Heaven” and “Beer Belly Blvd.”*

* OK, so clearly this wasn’t our first kid’s room choice.

Think twice: Food Should Taste Good lime tortilla chips, 99 cents

Lime-y. Tortilla-ish. Maybe good with salsa, but we don’t recommend chowing down on them sans condiments. Or sans margarita. Or quesadillas. Some stuff is best with everything.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who would love a set of lockers to keep their squeaky toys in, hint hint) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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