Stocking stuffers

I know where you are right now. You’re at a Rite Aid, a 7-Eleven or a corner gas station, looking for last minute gifts with all the terrified determination of a contestant on Fear Factor. You’ve become so desperate to finish your shopping, inane objects are starting to look like viable gifts. Do you think mom would like this Fram oil filter? Would Little Timmy find joy in a box of feminine napkins, with optional wings? Is there anybody left in your social circle to whom you have not yet gifted a Chia Pet from CVS? You’re screwed. Totally screwed. But settle down, Sally. I got your back. Here are a few last minute shopping ideas to get you through. They may not be perfect, but I guarantee they beat the heck out of that box of tongue depressors you were thinking of giving to your wife.

Restraining orders

For at least two area men who, for one reason or another, have fixated on Taylor Swift. One of these poor souls was found squatting in a vacant house. Why? Because his dog told him that Swift was coming to marry him in a ceremony that would be witnessed by Jesus himself. Another local man was freaking people out by wandering around and staring into trees like some kind of mutant squirrel in a hoodie. His explanation? He was certain that Taylor Swift was hiding in a tree and he was determined to ferret her out.

Get over it, gentleman. Go on with your lives and leave Taylor Swift alone because she’s mine. Mine, I tells you! I know because a dumpster-diving unicorn told me so.

Faith in your fellow man

Several people called the cops after a scoundrel was seen making off with Christmas presents heaped high in a wheel barrow. The fiend was so audacious in his thievery, he made little effort to conceal himself as he went a-wheeling down Buttonwood Lane in Lewiston. A mob formed. The gendarmes were dispatched. The holiday hoodlum was located. Turns out he was just a saintly fellow toting donated good from one place to another. That’s Lewiston for ya. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets accused of larceny.

Christmas balls

Seriously, I don’t know what you can do with these. I just get a kick out of writing it.

All aboard!

For Honorable Mayor Jonathan Labonte, a 44-piece toy choo choo train, with realistic suspension bridge and stone arches and four stations that can be assembled anywhere along the circular track. The young mayor is bent on getting train service moving between Portland and Auburn and then on to Bethel, Montreal and . . . Oh, I don’t know, Jupiter and whatnot. With those train snobs snubbing the Twin Cities in favor of Brunswick and uppity places like that, this is likely as close as we’ll get. I call conductor!

Slinky

Seriously, you can’t go wrong with Slinky.

Silly Putty

Seriously, you can’t go wrong with Silly Putty.

Yule log

I don’t really know what this is, but if you get it for the man in your life, he will titter like an idiot.

Merry Christmas

And pleased be advised that Mark’s Quik Stop will be closing in 10 minutes so you should just go ahead and buy that ice scraper and motor oil for the wife. What’s the worst that could happen?

mlaflamme@sunjournal.com

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