Second coming
All over Lewiston, like some kind of prophecy on pretty pink paper, “Vote Christ” signs were everywhere, uncrowded by rival signage. For weeks, I thought this was a sign that the Day of Judgment was upon us, and I’ve been cleaning up my act accordingly. Come to find out, it’s just stupid election stuff. Boy, do I feel dumb. My New Year’s resolution? Back to those sinning ways.
Forever Lazy
No, that’s not my new motto for 2012. It’s the name of a new product being peddled all over the place. It’s like a Snuggie for people who don’t plan on leaving their living rooms ever. Fleece footies, hood . . . Should come with an optional zipper so that when the wearer dies in front of the Star Jones marathon, you can just zip her up and plop her into the ground. I’m ordering mine in pink. Fits nicely with my other resolution: Wear more outlandish clothing in order to call attention to myself.
‘Chickens lose interest in small snowman’
It was my favorite headline of the week. The snowman’s New Year’s resolution? Find a way to become more appealing to barnyard fowl.
Cold as ice
To the kids who beat up and then went back to repair a snowman in Lewiston. Nice going. It’s refreshing to see area youth reflecting on the consequences of their actions and seeking redemption where necessary. Secondly: HA HA HA! YOUR MOTHER MADE YOU GO FIX THE SNOWMAN WHILE EVERYONE WATCHED! HA HA HA! Their New Year’s resolution: Stay the hell out of the newspaper.
Two girls and a bonehead
In Baldwin, which is just east of several other towns I’ve never heard of, a 41-year-old man was busted after trying to pay a pair of teenage girls to engage in sex acts for his entertainment. Because Lord knows you can’t find that kind of thing on the Internet. That guy’s resolution: Something that ends in .com.
Holiday lighting
With the madness of Christmas, I completely forgot to name my Top Holiday Decor of the Year. There was a lot of nice stuff out there this season, but I’ve got to give it to the stately looking house at the corner of Pleasant Street and East Avenue in Lewiston. Simple, white candles in each window joined by conservatively sized wreaths, each with a neat red ribbon at the center. Gorgeous.
What are you gaping at? I notice pretty things.
Congratulations
Just by reading this column, you’ve managed to break at least three of your spanking-new resolutions. See you at the nudie bar for drinks and smokes!
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