Dissed?

Got a call from Doreen Christ, a nice lady and a good sport who happens to own 6,000 campaign signs on my street alone. This in-limbo Ward 4 councilor wanted to let me know that her name is not Christ, as in Lord and Savior, but is actually Christ, which rhymes with mist. Or tryst. Or fist, if you get my gist. Which is probably what I’ll get to the back of the head if I keep making fun of her 8 million campaign signs, so I’m just going to shut up now.

PS

Also, wrist, kissed, twist and exist. Not to mention list, persist, missed and pissed.

It’s cold

Yes, the temperature plunged to big, fat goose egg in the middle of the week. You ever notice how when it gets that cold, it becomes a requirement to state the fact every single time you walk into a warm place? Well, I’ve noticed. Stop it.

We can’t complain

You ever notice how in a winter like this one, with very little snow, every remark on the current weather has to be followed with the caveat: “You know, we really can’t complain”? Sorry, Pollyanna. But if it’s below 60 degrees and the mud on my favorite trails is frozen, I’m complaining.

Firefighters rescue duck from river

A real headline. Later in the day, they were called out to free a bird from a tree, a cow from a pasture, a spider from its web, a cat from an old woman’s lap, a dog’s upraised leg from a fire hydrant and on and on until it stops being funny.

Are you playing our game?

If you shop at Shaw’s, you know what that means. It sounds so cryptic. Makes me feel like I’m part of an elaborate spy ring. I like to answer the clerks with “The one-eyed monkey barks at midnight.” They typically complete the code by backing away and yelling for security. We have a lot of fun with it.

Buggy

Found a weird bug in my basement during the cold spell. It’s about an inch long and black and has some characteristics of an ant and others of a pincher bug. If there are any entomologists among us and you have some ideas about this creature, please contact me. I’m staying at a local motel until we figure this out. Look for the case of Raid by the door to find my room.

Willpower

I’m sad to report that the discovery of this mutant ant being in my cellar caused me to completely blow one of my top new year resolutions: the one where I promised to stop swearing, breaking stuff and running outside naked in the middle of winter.

Always stretch before quitting

Locally, a woman reported on Friday that a Bowflex had been stolen from her basement. Well, you can rule me out as a suspect. I don’t go into basements anymore. Congratulations to this woman for hanging on to her resolution nearly a full week before packing it in. A Bowflex works best, millions have found, with cobwebs on it.

PPS Doreen Christ

You know that when I pick on you in this space, it means I love you, right? Just ask former mayor Larry Gilbert or Brother Doug.

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