The scariest read in the literary world these days isn’t the latest Stephen King offering. Instead, it’s a title by a much more sinister entity. The frightful reading is a publication called the Defect Levels Handbook, which is put out by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, an arm of the Food and Drug Administration.

It’s in here you’ll find out about all kinds of extra “ingredients” in your food that may make it easier to stay on that diet or make you want to stop eating altogether. Let’s take a look at some of these goodies you’ll never find in the ingredients list on a box or can.

• Asparagus (canned or frozen) can contain an average of 40 or more thrips (little insects) per 100 grams.

• Broccoli (frozen) can have an average of 60 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites (more little insects) per 100 grams.

• Chocolate can average 60 or more insect fragments AND one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams. Now this is hitting below the belt. We can all get by without asparagus and broccoli, but chocolate? C’mon.

• Citrus juices (canned) can have five or more fly eggs or one or more maggots per eight ounces. And here you thought drinks were safe. Silly you.

• Macaroni and noodle products can have an average of 225 insect fragments and 4.5 rodent hairs per 225 grams.

• Mushrooms can have an average of over 20 or more maggots of any size per 15 grams. (That’s the dried variety of mushrooms. If you eat the canned version, it takes 100 grams before the 20-maggot threshold can be reached. Unfortunately, they can still be any size.)

• Peanut butter can have an average of 30 or more insect fragments per 100 grams. As an added bonus, you may also receive an average of one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams — or as Alex Trebek would say, “It’s the daily double.” According to food experts, the creamy version is preferred on the East Coast and chunky is the favorite on the West Coast. The kind without insect fragments or rodent hairs is preferred by both coasts — and everyone in between — but it seems you can’t get it anywhere. Also, according to food experts, the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is called “arachibutyrophobia.” The fear of eating insect fragments and rodent hairs — and who cares if they stick to the roof of your mouth — is called “whowantstoeatthiscrapophobia.”

• Potato chips can have “rot” in an average of six percent of your bag. And what is “rot,” according to the USDA? It’s “plant tissue that is visibly decomposed, usually discolored with disagreeable odors and taste. The plant tissue has been invaded and is being digested by microorganisms.” When we’re talking food, the general populace doesn’t like to hear the three Ds — “decomposed, discolored and disagreeable.” Makes us say, “Disgusting!” Bottom line? Get the small bag of chips or, better yet, no bag at all. That’s more for your friend the microorganism.

• “Prunes, pitted,” is actually an oxymoron. Two percent — or more — of prunes, pitted, may have whole pits or pit fragments. Your government warns said pits could cause “mouth or tooth injury.” Gee, thanks.

• Raisins (golden) can have 10 or more whole or equivalent insects and 35 fly eggs per eight ounces. What’s a “whole or equivalent insect”? Glad you asked. According to the USDA, it’s “a whole insect, separate head, or body portions with head attached.”

• Tomatoes (canned) can have an average of 10 or more fly eggs per 500 grams. If you have to ask about tomato juice, don’t. That also goes for tomato paste. That pizza you were going to have tonight? How about some tofu instead?

By now you might be asking yourself, “Well, how much is 500 grams?” Well, not much. A 14.5 ounce can of tomatoes is 411 grams. That’s potentially eight fly eggs you get at no extra charge. Kind of makes you happy they don’t round up to the next ounce, doesn’t it? A 16-ounce jar of peanut butter is 454 grams or, for those of you scoring at home, 135 insect fragments. It’s said Americans eat 700 million pounds of peanut butter a year, which includes more than 50 billion rodent hairs. Conclusion: There must be a lot of bald rodents out there.

You’re probably asking yourself, “How can my government be doing this to me?” Well, that’s what taxes are for. With your hard-earned money, the government is able to determine what filth can go into your food and then determine that said filth won’t harm you. That’s right. The USDA says the above contaminants — the thrips, insect fragments, rodent hairs, fly eggs, maggots and rot — “pose no inherent hazard to health.”

If you’re a glutton for punishment, you can read more. Search “defect levels handbook” on the Internet. Or, if you want to enjoy your food a little while longer, get your very own copy of the Defect Levels Handbook through the mail by writing to:

Industry Activities Staff (HFS-565)

Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition

FDA

5100 Paint Branch Parkway

College Park, MD 20740-3835

Your government requests that you include a self-addressed mailing label to “expedite shipment.” We don’t think there are any whole or equivalent insects on the back of a stamp, and if there are, they pose no inherent hazard to your health — as far as you know.

Happy reading? Probably not. Happy eating? No way.

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