Ice out on Lake Auburn!

Ha! I lied! Made you look, you dirty crook, stole your mother’s pocketbook!

I apologize

For getting you all worked up like that. I know how you people are about your ice-out. Not to worry, though. If these solar flares hit us as expected, it’s going to melt everything right down to the ice cubes in your mojito.

Dirty, rotten scoundrels

With spring upon us, please remember that crooks are everywhere. Low-life scum who will offer to fix your roof and then make off with a chunk of your savings, instead. Bottom-feeding losers who will take advantage of your good nature because they are too lazy and shiftless to earn money in a legitimate way. Soulless clowns who prey on the elderly without compunction. Hell-bound parasites who . . . But you get the idea. Be sure to check out your handyman’s references before you write a check.

Code delicious!

In Lewiston, what was reported as a structure fire instead proved to be just burned food. Specifically, a burned Pop Tart. Oh, sure. We all had a laugh. But have you ever put a Pop Tart in the microwave because you were too impatient to wait for the toaster? That sweet filling gets overheated to the point where it’s practically napalm. I know a kid who lost his lower lip to a Pop Tart mishap of this nature. So I have nothing but sympathy and understanding for the fool who burned one and had 20 fire trucks show up as a result.

On second thought, no I don’t. That’s just funny.

Stop It and Go Away

On Wednesday night, two armed men robbed the Get ‘n Go in Durham. Now there’s a couple guys who take a store name way too literally.

Blagojevich

The former Illinois governor is on his way to the hoosegow and, man, do I have the perfect prison nickname for him. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to list it here, so you’ll just have to use your imagination on this one.

Squish

The ice isn’t out on Lake Auburn, but I’ll tell you what is ahead of schedule this year: dog waste in Kennedy Park. Last year, I got in trouble for writing about it, if memory serves me. I can’t remember if it was “poop,” “caca” or some elegant combination of the two that offended your delicate ears, so I think I’ll just leave it alone altogether this time around.