Above the fold
So, I go away for two weeks and they completely redesign the Sun Journal. Changes from cover to cover. I know what this is. Every time I go away, they change something in hopes that I won’t recognize the place when I get back. It’s like that time they tried to ship me to the bureau in Ontario. I’m not falling for that a third time.

Panera Bread coming to Auburn
I’ve been growing my hair out and I ripped the sleeves off every shirt I own. My bad. I thought it said Pantera was coming to Auburn.

The Hunger Games
Top-notch movie. Two thumbs up plus other stuff. Just A-1 across the board. If you’re not familiar with the premise, it is this: Kids from across a futuristic nation are forced to fight to the death just to help feed their families. It’s sort of like what goes on during the annual Night Out in Kennedy Park when they’re almost out of hot dogs, except not as violent.

Take off, hoser
So while I was away, somebody left, on my newsroom desk, something called Uncle Oinker’s Strawberry Flavored Gummy Bacon and a tube of goo labeled “Look and Feel Canadian Instantly: Life-Transforming Breath Spray.” Definitely a Canadian theme, but I’ve not been able to pin down who left it, so I’ve been going through a mental list of friends from the north. Bob and Doug McKenzie? Pretty sure they’re dead. John Candy? For sure dead. Celine Dion? Hates me. Haven’t talked to Celine since the incident. Wayne Gretzky? Was with me and Celine during the incident so also isn’t speaking to me. So, you can see that I’ve had no luck. But at least I smell Canadian.

Lewiston taking over canals
That’s like winning the lottery! . . . if the lottery paid out in old boots, crushed shopping carts, rusty bikes, hub caps, corroded handguns used in crimes 17 years ago, televisions with eels living inside them, seven washing machines, two dryers, the Lewiston Canal Monster and her offspring, computer monitors, a computer keyboard (the L doesn’t work), 507 tires, a lawnmower, Amelia Earhart’s plane, an old Pong game minus one paddle, a suitcase, a lawn flamingo, a fully decorated Christmas tree and a prosthetic leg, instead of money.

State finds $14.3 million it didn’t know it had
Oh, that’s mine. I dropped it about a month ago. Gimme.

And speaking of my millions
I forgot to play Mega Millions for the big jackpot, so no Malibu beach house this week. However, if you have one and want to sell it, can I write you a check? Just don’t cash it until after next week’s Mega Millions drawing. I got a good feeling.

Rock you like a hurricane
No, not those scorpions. The other scorpions; the ones that can kill you with their hideous, poison tails. Many of you scoffed at my report of killer scorpions on a recent trip to Phoenix. Scoffed! But I maintain that a mere glimpse of one of these creatures in its natural habitat is enough to kill you. You could screech so loud that a blood vessel would burst, for instance. If you still don’t believe me, check out the video on my Facebook page of the horrifying bug as captured under a black light a mere 40 feet from where I slept. If the horror of it causes you to keel over and die, don’t come running to me.

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