Up in the air

On Bartlett Street in Lewiston, a young man gave me the universal sign for “Do a wheelie” as I rode past him in the street. Specifically, he flicked one hand in the air as if to magically coax my front tire off the ground. That didn’t happen. What did happen was that the doughnut he’d been munching on slipped from his fingers and went sailing, coming to rest in a mud puddle at the side of the road. I’m not so great at the wheelies, mister, but I know how to hang on to my pastry.

Let’s make a deal

Got a message from a reader who’s looking for some old-style barter action. Chiropractic adjustment in exchange for web design. What do you say, chiropractors? I’ve seen some of your websites. You need this.

“I was wondering, since you are so connected in this city if you would happen to know a chiropractor or a doctor who may be able to work for trade? I am a good Web designer but I haven’t been able to work very much since I injured my back years ago. http://thcreations.com/ will be able to give me a good reference as far as my skills go. I am just so sick of being in pain all the time for years now, I am desperate.”

Has anybody seen Stephen King?

In Harrison, a car was reportedly seen starting up all by itself and then racing  around a school field. Nobody driving, they say, and I believe them. I figure the’ve got a “Christine” situation up there or possibly a “Carrie”-type deal. Either way, you won’t catch me going to Harrison any time soon. Not that I could find it.

Fifty Shades of . . . Oh, my!

I tried to write erotica once. The very first time I had to use the word “throbbing,” I giggled so hard I popped a blood vessel and had to go back to horror just to make myself well.

Squashed

In court, a Bates student was back before the judge to report on the community service he was ordered to perform for his part in a brawl at the school. “Your honor,” said the young man’s lawyer, “my client has had a bit of trouble keeping up with his service because, you see, he has been very busy on the professional squash circuit.” Man, it’s a tough old world out there. I’m sure by “squash,” he meant “working double shifts on the assembly line so he can feed his family.” Even so, the next time I get a speeding ticket, I’m going to insist I shouldn’t be fined because, you see, I was in a hurry to get to the cribbage tournament. Or if it’s a triple homicide, I’ll tell them I was distraught because I’d failed to break my old record in Angry Birds. And so on.

Boobie prize

In Vassalboro, a man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for burning down a topless coffee shop. Bad things happen, son, when you drink 25 cups of coffee and eat 14 crullers in one sitting. Just keeping you abreast of the situation. Keep your shirt on.

‘The B in Apartment 23’

New show. Have you seen it? Energetic, smart and laugh-stuff-out-of-your-nose funny. Great stuff. If it had Charlie Sheen it would be perfect. However it does have that guy from “Dawson’s Creek” so there’s that.

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