DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about my girlfriend “Vivian’s” son. “Kirk” is 22 and very immature. I love Vivian with all my heart, and I get upset when Kirk verbally abuses her. I try not to say anything because I feel it’s not my place because he’s not MY son.

Kirk hasn’t worked in two years. He walks into his mother’s house and takes whatever he wants — food, toothpaste, rolls of toilet paper, etc. He won’t help her around the house, mow the lawn or wash a dirty dish he has used. And he lives rent-free in one of the duplexes his mother bought for additional income.

Vivian is a wonderful woman who is hard-working and self-supporting. She’s also tired of her son’s lack of motivation and how he takes her for granted.

I know a mother doesn’t want to see her child go hungry, but where do you draw the line? — FED UP IN TEXAS

DEAR FED UP: Vivian should draw the line at the front door. By tolerating her son’s disrespectful behavior she is doing him no favors. Unless he actively looks for a job, stops helping himself to her property and does something to repay her generosity (mowing the lawn and washing the dishes he uses would be a good start), she should stop “helping” him. What she’s doing is crippling her son, who may be in need of counseling.

DEAR ABBY: Please inform your readers not to invite people to bridal showers if they’re not invited to the wedding.

I was invited to a shower and accidentally found out I wasn’t being invited to the wedding. At first I was upset, but imagine how mortified I felt when I was told that if some of the invited guests sent back a refusal, THEN I would be invited to the wedding. I would have preferred to have been told, “I’d love to have you, but we just can’t afford to invite all of the lovely people we would like.”

I know this isn’t the first time you’ve mentioned something like this in your column, but it amazes me how insensitive people can be. — SECOND STRING, BRADFORD, MASS.

DEAR SECOND STRING: Being told we are at the top of the “B” list makes us feel really wanted, doesn’t it? If people would take just a moment to consider how their words and deeds affect others, what a kinder, gentler world this would be.

P.S. For the record: People who will not be invited to the wedding should not be asked to attend a bridal shower.

DEAR ABBY: My divorced daughter stretched her food budget to “surprise” me with my favorite double cheese pizza with black olive topping. After everyone had eaten, I eyed the leftovers and decided to help out by gorging on the extra slices.

My subsequent gallstone attack did not hurt as much as my oldest granddaughter’s query: “Grandpa, why did you force yourself to finish the pizza? Mommy promised us it would be our snack tomorrow.”

Gluttonous guests — and that includes me — should not assume that “leftovers” are fair game. The hostess may have plans for them. — S.G. IN LAGUNA WOODS

DEAR S.G.: How true. Wisdom — and good manners — dictate that nothing should be taken from the host’s kitchen without permission. I have received more than one letter over the years describing a refrigerator raid in which the guest wound up with a sandwich loaded with what turned out to be pet food.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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