Sock blocked!

On Wednesday, a complaint from a mail carrier as heard over the police scanner: “He’s trying to deliver the mail but there’s a sock blocking the way.”

I have no comment to make about this. I really just wanted to use “sock blocked” in a subhead.

Twelve days and counting

Here’s your friendly reminder that I will be off all day Dec. 21, soon to be known as I Told You So Ocalypse. Please mark your calendars so you won’t be calling me with your screams of fright and pain as the sky opens up and swallows you whole. I’ll be deep underground, protecting my stash and playing Draw Something with other survivors. Also potentially eating other survivors, depending on how things go. Feel free to call me Dec. 22, although I won’t expect to hear from you. There are no phones where you’re going.

Maine Mall Santa

Apparently, the Jolly Old Elf isn’t so jolly in Portland. Sounds like a fellow who could use a little Zumba, frankly. What troubles me about this story is that mall officials have repeatedly said they will get “another Santa” to fill in. Another Santa? What are they implying? That there’s more than one Santa? That’s not what I was taught. This whole thing reminds me of the time, following the tree lighting in Lewiston, that I spotted old St. Nick down at Victor News, scratching himself and buying lottery tickets. That’s the day I lost my innocence.

I can explain

There’s a hot new digital gathering game called Ingress sweeping the land and it’s causing alarm in some places. The dude downtown scurrying after things that aren’t really there? Probably just playing Ingress. Nerdy Jack Bauer wannabe pacing the sidewalk outside your favorite salon? Sorry. Ingress. In fact, it occurs to me that if you get caught doing anything shady or embarrassing, you can blame this hot, high-tech game. Think I’ll streak across the Longley Bridge this very night and find out.

Security is overrated

So, how are you feeling about that McAfee antivirus program that came bundled in with your computer? While it pops up messages assuring you that everything is fine, the man who created the software is alternating between faking heart attacks in a Guatemalan jail and blogging from his cell on a computer the warden loaned him. But don’t worry your pretty, little head. I’m sure your computer is just fine and not stuffed with heroin McAfee’s 20-year-old girlfriend means to sell to finance his flight further into the jungles of South America.

Never mind

So, I did the streaking thing out on the Longley Bridge. Nobody noticed. I cannot declare this experiment any kind of success.

Dress for success

On Friday, police were advised to be on the lookout for a suspect described as wearing checkered pajamas. I saw that lady! She was at Walmart! And Dunkin’ Donuts! And City Hall and the bank and the pet store and Victor News and the Sun Journal lobby and asleep on a bench in Kennedy Park! And so on.