OMG!

His Holiness the Pope is Tweeting now. It’s keen that the Vatican is taking strides into the 21st century, but if I see his Papalness using ROFL, LOL, BRB or TTYL out there on the webs, I’m going to lose faith in all things in heaven and on earth.

12/12/12

At 12:12 p.m. on 12/12/12, you would have found me perched high upon my roof, a sparkler in each hand and wearing nothing but a cape I made myself out of an old blanket and some twine. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen. Nothing did.

Heard on the scanner

In Lewiston, a caller reported that his neighbors were playing their stereo loud and that they refused to turn it down. Another guy reported he smelled smoke although there were no flames visible anywhere. The scanner calls were not very funny this week.

It’s bigger than all of us

The facts are these: On Wednesday, Dec. 12, the International Space Station was supposed to be visible in the sky over New England between 5:50 p.m. and 5:54 p.m. It failed to show. I’m comfortable reporting this as news – BIG news – because I was out there the full four minutes, standing in downtown Lewiston and looking sort of easterly for signs of the flyover. I will grant you that about a thousand sodium lights in and around Kennedy Park make sky viewing less than optimal. And I had been in a pool with too much chlorine earlier in the day. And one of my eyes was infected from picking at it. And that was the hour my glasses were at Lenscrafters. But I know what I didn’t see and what I didn’t see was the International Space Station. I think somebody should tell the president at once. Or at least the mayor.

My shame is great

That’s right. I stole pretty much all of the above rant directly from “Family Guy.” Except for the parts I stole from “Pushing Daisies,” but that show isn’t on the air anymore so who cares?

Is your refrigerator running?

In Lewiston, or possibly Auburn, a woman called police to report that her estranged boyfriend had 14 pizzas delivered to her home. Brilliant! I mean, come on, when’s the last time you’ve seen that old gag put into action? This is clearly on the beginning of this dude’s banquet of revenge. Coming up next, our hero knocks on the aggrieved lady’s door and then runs away.

Breakfast of champions

A nice lady called to report that while she was driving past Walnut and Bartlett streets at 7 a.m. one recent morning, she spotted a pair of obvious hookers batting their eyes on the corner. Hey, the early bird gets the worm. And probably a few other things.