Is this thing on?

So, on Wednesday I went off on my motorcycle as police were chasing an accused shoplifter in the woods behind Walmart. I have this spiffy new goggle camera that can record the action with the press of a button. The problem is when the action moves indoors. Technically, for the camera to deliver it’s true reporter’s eye view, the helmet needs to stay on my head. I thought it was important to point this out in case one of you smart alecks sees me in a crowded store somewhere wearing my helmet. Let me assure you that it’s for technological reasons only. I haven’t been required to wear a helmet full time since my sophomore year in high school. I had issues, people. Issues.

Bah Haabah

In Bar Harbor, a store owner subdued a would-be robber and held him until police arrived. Ha ha! Jail inmates will be making fun of that guy. But I really don’t have much to say about the incident, per se. I’m only reminded of the lovely former news anchor Barbara Barr and the time she reported from the Harbor Bar in Bar Harbor. It went something like this. Say it aloud with me to get the true effect: “From the Harbor Bar in Bar Harbor, I’m Barbara Barr.” Is that fun, or what? Plus, I got to use “per se” in a sentence.

The clink

Don’t you hate it when jailers publicly announce that, because of budget problems, they’ll be shooing non-violent offenders from the place and turning new criminals away? It makes me want to go out and rob some banks or something, and I’m generally a law-abiding fellow. As far as you know.

Five pounds of elvers stolen in Nobleboro

I have no idea what elvers are. Or where Nobleboro is. But other than that, I’m outraged! Give back those elver things, you fiends! We need them to . . . I don’t know . . . heat our homes or feed our children or whatever.

I’ll be brief

You may notice that this week’s Talk of the Town is shorter than usual. I have a perfectly valid excuse for this, I just don’t have the space to type it out. But trust me, it’s perfectly valid. The excuse, that is. Which I don’t have space for.

And anyway . . .

It’s not like I’m questioning your intelligence by just jotting random words and names. You know, like Balsak. Fiduciary. Uvula. Banana.