Stop ‘n shop

A delivery man at Walmart calls police to complain that there are three vehicles parked in the fire lanes in front of the store. No way! Are you saying people are so lazy and inconsiderate that they’ll park as close to the doors as possible so they don’t have to make the 30 foot walk from the lot? Are you saying this happens everywhere, including Shaw’s, Hannaford and anywhere, really, where self-absorbed people can park like idiots? If only someone had pointed out this irritating problem before. If only there had been some way to know that very frequently, a young, able-bodied person will park two inches from a store entrance in such a way that an old person has to hobble around the lazy bonehead’s car. If only we had known!

That felt great. Does anybody have a cigarette?

Men in tights

Somewhere in the Twin Cities, a caller advised police that a customer was trying to purchase an unsettling amount of archery supplies. Would you mind inserting your own Robin Hood joke here? As you’ll see below, I have way more important things to write about.

Ssssssss

So, I’m standing in line at Victor News in Lewiston, waiting to pay for my – oh, I don’t know. Candy and feminine products – when I look up and see two tiny eyes staring at me. It wasn’t that weirdo Tiny-Eye Jones this time, but a snake of the rather large variety. It was coiled around some dude’s neck and the snake, bored with scratch off tickets, decided to check me out. The creature stuck its tongue out at me a few times (how rude is that, right? Boy, people don’t know how to bring snakes up right these days) but otherwise it was well behaved. We’re going out for coffee later.

What a dip

Boy is my face red. Last week, I bragged about how a woman rescued from a boat raved about my column the second she was on dry land. Turns out she wasn’t talking about me, she was talking about hulking and heroic Russ Dillingham. And who can blame her? Russ is a stud from way back. But I brazenly stole his adoration and I apologize for that. Gosh, do I feel like a snake at Victor News.

Gosh

How come nobody uses that word anymore? Also, golly, keen, swell, fab, nifty, by gum and galdarnit.

Woman lying naked on the Riverwalk

It happened in Auburn. Maybe it did, anyway. Police got several calls about some dame stretched out in her altogether (how come nobody uses “altogether” anymore?) on the Riverwalk, either sunbathing or hallucinating that she was in a bathtub. Police went over but found no nude woman. Boy, were those 50 police officers relieved.

The bare truth

Other terms for nakedness include balky bare, nekkid, nakey, nakey nakey, el fresco, buck naked, in the buff, in your birthday suit, in the raw, au natural, scuddy, starkers and please-put-your-clothes-back-on-Mr. LaFlamme-you’re-not-allowed-to-do-that-in-the-newsroom.

Shiver

I saw that freak Tiny-Eye Jones naked once. I’m still in therapy. Although, that dude’s got some abs.

mlaflamme@sunjournal.com

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