This thing is going to get ugly

On a hot Saturday afternoon, an Auburn police officer complained over the airwaves that some folks in the Hampshire Street neighborhood were outside in their chairs and “you know what that means.” Boy, do we. In downtown Lewiston it’s guns and crack pipes. In Auburn’s greater downtown area it’s lawn chairs. Once those come out, expect the worst: neighborly banter, gossip, suntan oil . . . Before you know it, somebody’s breaking out the ice cold lemonade and there goes the neighborhood. You might even see a patio umbrella if somebody doesn’t get this situation under control. What about the children? Dear God, what about the children?

Wallenda crosses Grand Canyon

Did you catch that action? The dude praised Jesus all the way across that narrow cable. I can guarantee that I would have used some of the very same words, but with a slightly different tone. My sermons would have come with exclamation points. I’m not so keen on long drops, you know. All in all, I’d suggest that the stunt lacked the drama and cool bravado of the daredevils back in the day. You know, like Fonzie jumping over those barrels outside of Arnold’s.

Budget cuts may mean smaller balloon fest

I don’t know about you, but when I read this headline, I pictured GI Joe and Barbie sailing off in yogurt cartons strung beneath simple party balloons. And you just know those freaks are looking to join the Half-Mile High Club. Put THAT photo on your Facebook page.

Under the Dome

I found the first installment disappointing, mostly because they made the main character a slick, overly macho stereotype, and prettied up the supporting cast. Plus, not enough people walked face-first into the dome. The funnest part of the book was watching all those dolts go bonk for the first 200 pages.

Black Hawks win cup

The most exciting game of the series and I missed it because I was waiting for people to walk face-first into a dome.

Pie!

A sharp-eyed, demented reader wrote to tell me that from the Auburn side of the Androscoggin River, Pineland Lumber across the way appears to be operating a side business. “You will notice,” the demented one writes, “‘Pineland’ has changed to ‘Pieland.'” So, I went to the lumber yard, but they wouldn’t give me any pie. Some people. On the Funny Sign Errors scale, I give this one an 8. I reserve 9s and 10s for those signs that accidentally form dirty words.

I keel you

The weather this early summer can only be described as (word so filthy, it would burn a hole right through the newspaper page). The formula thus far seems to be two days of muggy sun followed by five days of ick. We’re coming up on the Fourth of July, which means . . . Well, you know what it means. You don’t need me to spell it out for you. If we don’t get a decent stretch of sunshine soon, I’m totally going to (string of words so utterly offensive, it would knock three teeth out of your mouth). And I mean it.

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