Is a walk-in tub right for you?

Ever since this poser landed in my email box, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. Is it? Is a walk-in tub right for me? Any guidance you can give me on this matter would be appreciated.

For the birds

Thousands of you (give or take) emailed, called or accosted me on the street Thursday to ask about the pigeon featured in my weekly column. The fact that I just wrote “pigeon featured in my weekly column” makes me think it’s time to evaluate the things I write about in that space. But anyway, tens of you demanded to know whether the pigeon in question survived the ordeal. When we last saw him or her, he or she was clutched in the saber-sharp claws of the rapacious bird. I’m pleased to report that the pigeon lived, after Beastmaster Wendell Strout and I shooed the hawk from the Lisbon Street building. The last I heard, the pigeon was taking classes at Andover while working part-time at Best Buy. You can read all about it on his or her blog at www.marklaflamme.com

Speedo

A candidate for something or other caused a ruckus by appearing in a commercial wearing a Brazilian Speedo. Frankly, I don’t see what the fuss is about. We should be thankful that the dude didn’t include footage of himself getting shaved to accommodate said Speedo.

Speedo, speedo, speedo

Speedo is one of those words that ceases to sound like anything at all if you repeat it enough. Go ahead and try, preferably while standing in line at the bank or sitting in on a boring business meeting.

Patrolling Walnut Street

Many of you freaked out upon learning that the Lewiston Police Department is now equipped with an armored vehicle. You think that’s crazy, wait until some lawmaker advances the idea that everybody should be required to own a tank. For the safety of the community at large. Eh, cuckoo! Eh, cuckoo!

Tank

Remember the ’80s movie by that title, starring James Garner and C. Thomas Howell? How that one failed to land an Oscar is beyond me.

Conjugators!

Here summer is winding down and I have not yet ridden my motorcycle up on an amorous couple in the woods. Previous summers were a lot more fruitful, and frankly, I blame you. What, are you spending needless bucks on hotel rooms these days? Forget that noise. Get ye back into the pines like so many conjugators before you.

Beyonce’s haircut

Disregard this item. I’m just trying to play nice with the search engines. Although now that I think about it, isn’t it just the most darling pixie cut?

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