You have to be smarter than the gourd

Happy Almost Halloween. According to the most recent statistics, an estimated five trillion people will impale themselves and three neighbors while trying to carve pumpkins. Shockingly, another three billion will fall in love with their pumpkins and attempt to marry them.

They’re all going to laugh at you

So, some Hollyweird producer has created yet another version of “Carrie,” because apparently, there is such a shortage of scary ideas in the world, they have to keep doing the same stuff over and over. The first “Carrie” was awesome, with Sissy Spacek portraying the main role in a way that made you both fear and cheer for her – the mother impaling scene was particularly delightful. The second “Carrie” blew chunks, in the junior high parlance. I expect the third one to be even worse, probably with some idiotic attempts to modernize the plot with things like bluetooth and GPS. When the blood-soaked teen finally gets around to pummeling her school mates – and good riddance to them – I’ll bet she does it with the help of her smart phone. Who needs telekinesis when there’s an app for that?

That girl ain’t right

And speaking of demented girls in horrifying movies, do you ever lie awake in the deep dark hours wondering just how you’d react if your bed started bouncing up and down like Regan’s bed in “The Exorcist?” If you ever see me with baggy eyes and a nervous disposition, it’s probably because that thought occurred to me the night before. Either that or the wife found my secret stash underneath the kitchen floorboards.

Scariest clown

It’s not that jolly fat jester from Stephen King’s “It,” I’ll tell you that much. Not from the movie version, anyway. Any one of us could kick that guy’s ass. No, the creepier clown – the one you should think about tonight while you’re down on your knees praying – is that grinning horror with the conical blue hat from “Poltergeist.” JoBeth Williams is hot and all, but you won’t catch me spending the night at her house.

‘The Changeling’

The greatest horror movie too few people have heard of. Watch it and you will never look at George C. Scott in the same way again. Which is probably for the best because George C. Scott is dead.

‘When a Stranger Calls’

Try remaking THAT one, Hollywood dorks. Somehow, I don’t think the terror of “those calls are coming from inside the house” would be the same if uttered in modern language. “Those text messages! They’re coming from the same IP address!” Yawns all around.

Dude, quit humming

Best horror movie music? You want to say it belongs to John Carpenter’s Halloween, but no. The funnest horror music is from the original Friday the 13th because with it, you can walk behind your date all night going “choo, choo, choo. Hah, hah, hah” and really make her skin crawl. Of course, her skin was probably crawling before the movie even began. I mean, look at you.

Silent but deadly

If you want to go super local for your Halloween get up this year, I’d suggest going as either Larry Gilbert, MacDonald or Bro. Doug Taylor. Go hang out at a public forum but don’t say anything. That’ll really freak people out.

Too hot to handle

I’d suggest you go out as me for Halloween, but I don’t know if you’re prepared for all those women hurling panties at you or the record executives hounding you to sign. It ain’t easy being me.