He who shall not be named

A new group has emerged on Facebook to track the comings and goings of our celebrated Magic Man, who has been spotted in Lewiston, Auburn and Portland this winter all at the same time. That’s why he’s magic, see? The Facebook page can be found with just a quick search. What’s interesting to me is that, while by now everybody knows who I’m talking about when I discuss the Magic Man, I still balk at using his name in print. Maybe it’s because the fellow in question hasn’t committed any crime or earned notoriety through misdeeds or anything as commonplace as that. He’s just a local curiosity and it wouldn’t feel right throwing his name all over the place just because he fascinates me. Yes, that’s what it is. It’s not because I’m afraid that naming him in print will bring down some ancient curse upon my head. I fear I’ve said too much.

Naughty Nancy

The cases of Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby could have a profound effect on the future of business in America as the matter of health care runs headlong into the issue of religious freedom. Or something. What gets me is that someday soon, there may be an oft-cited legal precedent that will have something as playful and silly as “Hobby Lobby” in its title. I haven’t felt this cynical about a court case since The People vs. Naughty Nancy’s Adult Novelty Emporium.

I swear

I had the above thought before Jon Stewart did, that stealing stealer.

You will notice

That all items listed here today are related to national news. Ya know why? Because the local news is just too dismal to make fun of this week. I hate when that happens.

Ants!

Are you like me? Do you admire and fear ants? I’m going to be doing a B Section thing on the creatures this spring, so if you have ant stories – who doesn’t have ant stories? – I want to hear them. Ants!

Question of the day

Why does Walmart in Auburn defy all conventions by putting its entrance on the left and its exit on the right? You just think about that for a while and I’m sure you’ll see . . . I don’t know, something.

Call me paranoid

But I’m pretty sure the traffic light at Bates and Pine in Lewiston realizes that it escaped city efforts to bring it down and now it’s doubling its efforts to ruin my life. I’m absolutely convinced that light is green around the clock unless I happen to be driving up to it, at which point it will promptly go red and stay that way for half an hour. Soon you will read shocking news stories about a shrieking crazy man, wearing only socks, who went nuts and attacked the light control box with a mallet. Which will have been bought at the Hobby Lobby. Because symmetry.

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