Loony eclipse

When the time finally came, 2 a.m. EST Tuesday morning, I was so incensed that clouds had moved in to hide the eclipse of the moon, I swore at the sky until I lost my voice. It was as though Maine herself was saying to us all: “So, you had a rough winter and would like to enjoy a powerful cosmic event, would you? Here are some clouds, fools! Ha ha ha! Oh, by the way, there will be snow tomorrow.”

I mean, come on!

I know the Farmer’s Almanac predicted the snow, and I’m pretty sure it also predicted the washed out lunar eclipse. But I wonder if it predicted the exact string of profanity that flew off my lips between 2 a.m. that morning and roughly 1:10 p.m. the following afternoon. Seriously, why can’t we have nice things?

Buckfield Mall heist

So, somebody broke into this world-famous mall out on its lonely stretch of Route 117. That’s just poor reconnaissance right there. It sounds like somebody heard about the mall and made an assumption. “Yo, Louie,” one of the culprits may have whispered once inside. “Where’s the food court at? And dang it, I was hoping to get some loot from Brookstone.”

Game over

Moved to nostalgia by talk of the youthful game of “Assassin,” I went about calling all my old friends with whom I used to play. Turns out none of them are left to talk about it. Not. A single. One. We took the game very seriously, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

Trash pickup

Thanks to the many of you with suggestions on how Lewiston can solve its rubbish problems. To one person in particular: Thanks for your idea, but I don’t think the trash would fit there.

Spring forward

How freakin’ far did you move it? (This quote was stolen from a bright red bird wearing a parka and trapper’s hat. If it’s on Facebook, it has to be true.)

Stop and shop

Now that warm weather is here (one day every other week, anyway) the number of people parking in the fire lanes directly in front of the supermarkets has increased. This proves my theory that these people are not simply cold, they’re lazy, selfish and inconsiderate. Just terrible people all around. Now where am I going to park?

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