Purloined sirloin

Police eventually solved the case after conducting a steak-out at the crime scene. Would have been funny if some guy named Chuck was the culprit. You’d have to look into his background to see if he’s committed any udder crimes. But I’m just milking it now. Mooving on.

In Soviet Russia, news spin you

Russia is directly responsible for the downing of Flight MH17, Russia had nothing to do with it. The U.S. says this, V. Putin denies that. This thing feels a lot like pre-war posturing. You know what? The governments of both countries should stay out of it. Give everybody hockey sticks and let them play it out like it’s 1980 all up in here.

You’ll put your eye out

Heard on the scanner: “They have a stolen BB gun and they’re itching to shoot someone with it.” Nobody was shot, that we know of, but kudos to the dispatcher for using “itching” in that context. It’s got a nifty ring to it. She might go with “fixin’ to shoot someone” next time. You know, mix it up a bit.

Wishy washy

What’s with the daily rains lately? What, are we Florida now? It’s sloppy if you happen to ride a motorcycle full time. Go somewhere when it’s beautiful, come outside to find your helmet is full of water. At least I hope that’s water. Here, smell this and tell me if you think it’s water.

Baked gooooods

If you saw me riding gaily across the downtown Thursday night with a big goofy grin on my face, it’s because a nice woman who calls herself “the crazy old French lady” brought me in a big package of banana bread which, placed strategically in my backpack, managed to heat my entire lower half in a very nice way. As soon as the cool autumn weather settles in, I’m thinking of riding with banana bread full time.

Red Sox trade everyone

I was really hoping Lester would go to the Kansas City Royals. I’ve never forgiven the bum for no-hitting KC a few years ago, and what would serve as better punishment than making him play here? I can never have nice things.

Back to school

I complain about all the displays they put up way, way too early in stores, but you should check out all the bling I’ve found at bargain basement prices. Pencil sharpeners (for producing great tinder for campfires,) book bag (for carrying stuff) binders (for piano music) and even a Fairly Odd Parents lunchbox (for hauling around things like tuna sandwiches, which are to be traded later for something good. By the way, I’ll totally give you my tuna sandwich for that bag of Doritos and two of your Oreo cookies. One Oreo? To heck with you, then. I’ll just keep my tuna sandwich. Oreos are sucky, anyway. I no longer wish to be your best friend.)

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