Summer solstice

June 21, a glorious day when the sun seems to never leave the sky. When it finally departs sometime after 10 p.m., you have just a scant few hours to commit your indiscretions before the sun rises again to announce a new day. The summer solstice is a glorious event, celebrated as long as men have roamed the earth. Unfortunately, it also provokes hateful people to announce: “Well, you know. The days are getting shorter now.” If you just had a few more hours of darkness, you could kill those people.

Fourth of July

We didn’t have a Fourth of July this year, we had a Sixth of July. It was a big old mess. I blame Obama. And of course, after the Fourth (or Sixth) has come and gone, it’s practically Christmas. Take a long nap on July 5 and you’re apt to wake up to carolers at your door. If you only had a few more hours of darkness . . .

The Balloon Festival

Is right upon us. My prediction? Balloons.

Back to school

Forget about back-to-school incidentals, that’s old news. I’ve been to a pair of stores lately that are already rolling out the Halloween decorations. It baffles and annoys me, and I’m a fellow who loves his Halloween.

Pup tent

I spent many nights in the woods this summer and learned a half-dozen new techniques for building fire, a like number of knots and some really spiffy ways to dig a hole. I learned to Judo kick deer ticks that I can’t even see (if you can’t see them, you can’t prove I didn’t Judo kick them) and how to get a wasp out of my shirt using only a tire iron, hatchet, flaming log from the campfire, nine gallons of pond water and a series of girlish screeches. In case you wonder, I’ve learned all of this because I plan to move soon into your backyard. I wouldn’t say no to the occasional crumb cake in the morning. And by morning, I mean noon.

Quit your day job

Major League Baseball. This season, everybody in the MLB just plain stinks. Which means that maybe you really COULD quit your cubicle job and go play center field for the White Sox. Put in your notice today!

The Don Henley Demarcation

This is a scientific term indicating that period of summer, occurring after the first week of August, during which hearing Henley’s “Boys of Summer” on the radio will cause you to weep. The same applies to The Doors “Summer’s Almost Gone” and to that vaguely creepy song that goes “Though we gotta say goodbye for the summer. Something, something all my love . . . kitty litter.” Man, people write the craziest lyrics.