Salmon cannon

This new technology is being used to suck up fish and spit them out on the other side of a dam so they can spawn and whatnot. Very clever. I’m thinking if we used this same technology to spit commuters back and forth across the Androscoggin River in the Twin Cities, I wouldn’t have to sit in maddening traffic jams along the Longley Bridge. I’m already at work on a prototype. Volunteer for a test spit and be a part of history!

Like starting over

So, I’m just back from a late summer vacation and everything feels very unfamiliar. What is Talk of the Town? Do we discuss heady political issues here? The economy? Investment strategies? Share recipes and photos of our pets? It’s important that I get this straight because otherwise I’m just in here spewing nonsense and who wants to read that?

I never touch the stuff

On Thursday, a cache of porno magazines was found out by the causeway in Auburn. Just disgusting. Those things belong in your old man’s sock drawer, under your big brother’s mattress, or behind that loose wall board next to the lazy Susan in my kitchen. You know, for example. Just disgusting.

The big yellow

The school buses are rolling again and while you might think I’m going to do nothing but whine about it, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. In particular, I’d like to know why bus drivers now make three stops per city block to ensure that no child, regardless of age or gender, will ever have to take more than five steps to get from the bus to their sofa, where he or she can spend the rest of the day drooling in front of TV or video games. Where’s the character building in that? Why, back in my day, our bus drivers made one stop per route and you got off whether you lived nearby or not. You were lucky if they even rolled to a complete stop. Sometimes they just slowed a little, opened the rear chutes and let kids spill off the bus like empty cans. Those were different times. Better times. Kids these days, I just don’t know.

Fascinating fact!

On Wednesday, I covered a community center fire on Valery Circle. Or perhaps I should say that I covered a community center fire on Valerie Circle. As it turns out, there are 14 possible ways to spell “Valery” in this context and every single one of them is correct.

Nude photos leaked

No, not my nude photos. Don’t get excited. When a number of celebrity skin photos got leaked, everybody reacted with surprise. “OMG! I put my photos in the cloud through some third-party application and it wasn’t 100 percent safe! Who could have foreseen such a thing!” My naked friends, that’s like putting all your cash in a cardboard box on Park Street in Lewiston and expressing shock when someone comes along and takes it. Keep your nude photos behind that loose wall board next to the lazy Susan in my kitchen. It’s the only way.

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