Sign your life away

It’s that time of year again (I’ve never done this before; don’t be stupid) to go ahead and rate the campaign signs on important things like color, lettering and style. In early polling (which involves me riding around on my bike and sort of looking at things) I’ve got to give the edge to candidate Patti Gagne, mainly because her deep blue signs match the color of my eyes and the font is just dreamy. If you don’t think font matters in the political arena, think again. I mean, who the hell is going to vote for a guy who runs Helvetica out there, anyway? That’s just lunacy.

Sign of things to come

You will note that the sheriff candidates use bold fonts and no-nonsense backgrounds. Vote for me, these signs say, and we’ll get to work cleaning up this mess. What you don’t want, if you’re running for a cop job, is a sign that whispers, you know what? I think I just found five pounds of coke in your trunk and I’m pretty sure you’re about to resist arrest. In other words, steer clear of the Lucida fonts. Lucida is a boot on your face forever.

Sign on the dotted line

One thing I’ve noticed this voting season is a complete lack of funny or embarrassing names on the signs that spread across our landscape. No Carl Peed or John Pooped. This could be a real problem at the caucus.

Ha ha!

Caucus.

Before I forget

THE ROYALS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THEY MANAGED TO COME BACK AND WIN THE GREATEST, MOST THRILLING GAME IN THE HISTORY OF BALLS! Medical experts have since confirmed that I died no fewer than four times during those epic 12 innings. It got so bad that I had to hire people (your check is in the mail)  just so I could chew on their fingernails. Mine were gone by the third inning. Worth it!

A bow, bow, bow

I have learned that Bowzer, from Sha Na Na, was in Lewiston on Thursday for a political gathering. As it turns out, the ol’ greaser is now into politics and insurance, which I find kind of disappointing. It’s like finding out that Jack Tripper got married and settled down, Sam Malone joined the priesthood and The Fonz turned into a complete weenie doing Lifetime movies and whatnot. Guess which of those things actually happened. Ayyyyy!

Sign me up

Now that I look around some more, I see that candidate Emily Cain has nice looking signage, too. Unfortunately, a young lady with that surname once broke my heart so… No fancy sign awards for you.

mlaflamme@sunjournal.com

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