Bite me

Nitrile gloves? Oh, I’ve got nitrile gloves. But this isn’t ebola protection, specifically. I’m wearing the gloves to prevent myself from chewing my fingers right down to the bone during the Major League Baseball playoffs. Which the KC Royals are dominating, in case you haven’t be watching. If I didn’t have those gloves, I’d be down to one pinky on each hand and I’d be going to the neighbors’ house to chew on their fingernails. Now that I think of it, wouldn’t that make a hell of a movie?

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful

Speaking of baseball, the very day the Royals won the American League pennant, I received, in the mail, a spanking new pair of Crocs with the team logo. We’re talking all the functionality of Crocs but five times as ugly. How much do you want me right now?

FARQUEYCLOKE!

The traffic light at Bates and Pine in Lewiston has been screwing me over so frequently lately that I’ve made up three new swear words, two of which you have to vomit in order to pronounce them correctly. Stop by sometime, I’ll teach them to you.

Know you are, but what am I?

What’s with all the smear campaign literature raining down in recent weeks? This person is soft on welfare. That one leans too far to the right. A recent mailer features a chunky dude eating pizza and watching TV. Is that supposed to indicate a negative attribute? Because that’s a guy I’d like to have a beer with. Plus his fingernails look ripe for chewing.

NOAA predicts warmer winter

It’s a trick! Don’t put away your union suit and wool socks, my friends. That’s what they WANT you to do.

Walk this way

In Greene, out on College Road near the Lewiston town line, some enterprising soul has gone out and painted a very spiffy crosswalk on the roadway in front of his house. I don’t know what the highway department will think of this, but to me it shows initiative. In fact, I’m headed to Home Depot right now to get some paint. Just wait until you see what I have planned at the intersection of Pine and Bates.

P.S.

Anyone who’s good at drawing upraised middle fingers, please contact me.

Hat tip

To the Yankees fan who dropped off a KC Royals hat for me Friday morning. I don’t know who you are, stranger, but thank you. Clearly the fellow has never seen me in a baseball hat. With my strong facial features (big nose), hats make me look like Ernest Worrell’s nerdier brother. You know what? I’m wearing it anyway.

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