Bliss Thru Shopping: Reality bites: Amazing Race, Survivor, Down East Dickering

If Bag Lady were to go on a televised race around the world tethered to a stranger whom she was meeting for the first time as a blind date — “Hi America! This isn’t awkward at all!” — I would pack deodorant and mouthwash, naturally.

Probably pajama pants for sleeping. (Bag Lady is endlessly modest.) And mascara. (Also a teeny bit vain.)

Of course that’s the premise this season on the “Amazing Race,” where six already-dating couples are racing with five just-met-this-second couples, and every five minutes keenly eyebrowed host Phil Keoghan asks, “Could this be LOVE?”

Two episodes in, the contestants keep answering, “I’ll let you know as soon as I swallow this three pounds of noodles/learn Japanese/scrape the mud off my coccyx.”

Among the blind daters, there are the lawyers, the adventuresomes and the medics. In that last group, she is adorable and he has a giant redwood placed somewhere uncomfortable on his person, making him look at her with “puh-lease” while we viewers are left shouting “Get over yourself!” and “You can do better, blondie!” because we don’t know their names yet, only that he’s a doctor and she’s a nurse.

She’s all, “You’re cute,” and he’s all, “Whatever. I think they film ‘The Bachelor’ over on sound stage 3.”

Hey doc: America is not cool with you dissing blondie like that.

Swish and spit and let’s get to it. Don’t know what to pack for your blind date around the world? I’ve got you covered.

* Eccolo World Traveler journal, Staples, $7.99

With faux black leather and lined ivory pages, it’s perfect for immortalizing a race around the world.

“Dear future children,” you would write, “today, your maybe-daddy ate a yak. As he choked down the hooves, I thought, ‘This could be the one.'”

* Arc notebook bands, two-pack, Staples, $3.49

Thick, black or black-and-white-zigzag giant elastics for keeping notebooks, or journals, closed. I didn’t even know these existed — genius.

* CVS brand green tea detoxifying face wipes, 25-pack, $4.99

Wipe away the disappointment of a seventh-place finish; look good doing it.

* Tom’s of Maine Wicked Fresh! mouthwash, 16 oz., CVS, $5.79

Maine, represent! It is, admittedly, on the large side and it’s hard to know whether there would be room in their rucksacks to carry a full-blown bottle. Season after season, that’s part of the mystery for viewers: You never know what’s inside those backpacks other than an endless supply of matching outfits, because no matter the contestants, they match. A lot.

* CVS brand five-blade razors, three-pack, CVS, $8.99

Each razor is surrounded by a “moisture halo,” according to the package, which, if you’ve got to be surrounded by something, doesn’t sound so, well . . . No, it actually does sound kind of bad. Unless you’re pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks through the Mojave on “Amazing Race” leg 10, then moisture halo it up.

* Fresh Brazilian Citrus fine fragrance mist, 8 oz., Bath & Body Works, $7

Spritz him, spritz you. If needed, chase away smell and simmering tension with a second spritz.

While we’re talking reality TV . . .

The boisterous postal worker alienating his blue-collar tribe-mates left and right on the new season of “Survivor?” He’s from Maine. Here’s to hoping he can outwit, outlast and chill.

And, no!?

Gah! No more “Down East Dickering”? It’s a sad, sad day. Now that was love.

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who would race with anyone, anywhere; they’re not fussy) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at baglady@sunjournal.com.