‘A’ for effort

This was posted on my Facebook wall late last week. The fellow remains unidentified, although not unappreciated. “About an hour ago I witnessed a man valiantly trying to help a small group of ducklings trying to cross the intersection of College and Russell streets (in Lewiston). The motorists blared their horns and cursed out their windows and made lewd hand gestures, but he kept trying. He deserves an ‘A’ for effort and I truly hope that he sleeps well tonight. I will be haunted by the sight of each and every one of those tiny babies being run over; there were no survivors.”

Corny but true

A conversation between two old codgers at Bourque’s in Lewiston.

Codger No. 1: “You want some corn on the cob? I got plenty.”

Codger No. 2: “Wish I could. I ain’t got my teeth.”

Codger No. 1: “Hell, I got an extra set. You’re welcome to ’em.”

Codger No. 2: “Well, all right then. You got butter?”

Codger No. 1: “Ayup.”

Then pretty music played and they walked off into the corn-colored sunset or something.

Running of the carnies

On Friday May 22 at about 7 p.m., I stumbled upon one of the rarest and most beautiful sights in nature. Yes, it was the running of the carnies, an event that occurs once a year at the start of the Smokey’s Greater Shows. For five minutes, I watched these majestic beings gathering in a corner of the vast lot at Great Falls Plaza, doing their secret carnie things as the rides went up around them. Then one of them noticed me and I ran like hell. Hey, I’ve read “Something Wicked This Way Comes.” You don’t fool with that stuff.

Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?

If the carnival is town, I think we can count on a week of rain. Happens every spring, which is a real bummer because this is the year I was going to win you that giant yellow Minion thing by throwing darts at a paper star.

I won’t lie to you

I had to go to the internet to look up the name of those big yellow things. Man, aren’t those just Twinkies with arms and eyeglasses? Reminds me of a hallucination I once had after eating some bad corn.

Hoe hunt

I spent most of the preceding week asking everybody I saw if they knew where I could get a clam hoe. Boy, mention a clam hoe to people these days and you wouldn’t believe the comments you get. It was quite shocking. You people are so immature.

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