Your cheatin’ heart

It has come to my attention that the Ashley Madison cheatin’ service offered an “Affair Guarantee Package” to the more desperate of its customers. Does this mean if you don’t find an extramarital hookup, contract an STD, completely obliterate your family and bring shame down upon your name within 30 days, by golly, they’d give you your money back? Man, does it get any lower than demanding a refund because even a team of paid professionals couldn’t manage to procure you some loving? Enjoy those funds while living on a sofa in your mom’s basement, stud.

By the way

You won’t find my name on the Ashley Madison clientele list, so quit your wondering. Whenever I’m up to no good, I use the name Dick Pelletier to avoid these kinds of scandals. My apologies for any problems this might have caused in the inconceivable possibility there’s a real Dick Pelletier out there.

The Walking Dead

Last week, in this space, I wrote a few things about the TV series “The Walking Dead” that could have been construed as a spoiler. My shame is great and I’ve been self-flagellating every since. I know better now – foreshadowing an episode of the greatest television program in the history of pixels is a transgression that ought to be punishable by a night in the prison yard with the hungry walkers. This revelation came to me right around the time I was watching my 14th episode of the day, and right after I hung up the new “Walking Dead” poster in my kitchen. I admit it. I’m a “Walking Dead” fan boy. Thinking about fathering a child just so I can name him (or her) Dixon.

Just kidding

So, Frick and Frack walk into a Dunkin’ Donuts and joke about robbing the joint. Ha ha ha! Sheer hilarity. Instead of subjecting us all to a long court process, why not just send them to any major airport where they can try out their comedy routines on the TSA? What TSA agent doesn’t enjoy good shtick?

Love is in the air

That was our headline on the front page of Saturday’s paper. And for the remainder of the weekend and into Monday, I had that lovely John Paul Young song floating through my head like a poisonous cloud. You know the one. It goes: “Love is the air (doo, doo doo, dee, doo doo) in the something of the something (doo, doo doo, dee, doo doo). Love is in the air (doo, doo doo, dee, doo doo) in the yada something blah (doo, doo doo, dee, doo doo).” And so on and so forth until you have to ram your head into a wall to make it go away.

OK, just one more spoiler

That part where Rick learns what happened with his wife and son deep within the prison? And the way he reacted to it? Unbelievable. I’m not saying I shed man tears at that scene, but if I did, just shut up about it and leave me be why don’t you. That scene was as powerful as anything I’ve ever seen on television. Poor embattled Rick. Clearly he should have gotten the “Affair Guarantee Package.”

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