Shades of Andy Capp

Thursday afternoon scanner call: A man in Lewiston reported his wife was chasing him in her Jeep Liberty when she collided with another car. He told police she was now out of the car and yelling at the other car’s driver. No word on whether the suspect was armed with a rolling pin or if her poor husband was swept away in a raging cloud of dust.

Tiger Woods

Would also work in the above scenario. Just re-read the above narrative and replace “rolling pin” with “five iron.” See? Journalism magic!

The Donald

Remember when that title mainly referred to the duck of the same name? Those were good times. Daffy times.

Facebook to get ‘dislike’ button

Go ahead. Post another photo of your latest tattoo and see what happens. I think we can all agree that this will be life changing. Finally! Now, when some sad soul puts up a three-page post describing how his girlfriend broke up with him, there’s a way to respond other than just laughing at him. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anyone to click “dislike” on my Facebook page, since all I post is life-affirming, positive and educational material aimed at enriching the lives of my people. And stuff.

It’s about time

A Texas boy was busted for bringing a homemade clock to school, because clearly, in the name of safety, we must stifle and discourage this kind of innovation. What, we’re supposed to just let children discover and pursue their natural abilities? It’s madness, I tell you! This situation totally reminds me of the time I got in trouble for bringing my own homemade clock to the newsroom. Of course, my homemade clock doubled as a flask for homemade gin, so that might have had something to do with it. Otherwise, it’s the same thing!

Bringing you the power

In Lewiston, a man called the fire department to report he had electrical power in his living room but not in the rest of the house. Without even checking into this, we can safely assume the poor man’s house was built on an ancient burial ground and is probably crawling with poltergeists. Later in the evening, the same fellow called back to report he’d been sucked through his television and into the realm of the restless dead. Don’t you just hate days like that?

The Lost Soles

A few caring readers have sent in photos of footwear purporting to be my lost Crocs, from last week’s adventure titled: “My Lost Crocs.” One of them was a sedate brown Croc spotted in the Florida Everglades where, ironically, it will probably be eaten by a crocodile. The other, a screaming pink Croc with a white Dora the Explorer band, was found along the Appalachian Trail in Vermont. If you ladies would be kind enough to retrieve these things from the wild, I will happily wear them as a set. I’m sure no one will make fun of me.

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