Did you know . . .

That a carbon monoxide detector will set off a store’s door alarm system even if you legally purchased the item? For instance, if you buy a CO detector at Wal-Mart and then stuff it in your backpack and mosey over to Lowe’s for more shopping, the alarm at Wal-Mart will go off when you leave there and the alarm at Lowe’s will go off when you enter there. I’d take the time to explain the science to you, but I don’t get Bill Nye bucks. Also, I have no flippin’ clue how it works.

Did you know II

That the door alarm at Lowe’s is loud enough to turn the head of every customer and employee in the joint? Loud enough to cause the person who set the alarm off to maybe wet himself a little, too. It’s true. Happened to a guy I know.

Bucket List

A nice woman who went off to meet the Pope during his visit apparently remarked to a photographer that I, Mark LaFlamme of the Lewiston Sun Journal, am on her bucket list. I’m not sure what that means, exactly, but I couldn’t be more proud. There’s a lot of crossover between the Pope and I, you know. Has anyone ever seen the two of us together? I don’t think so.

Free Coffee Day!

To save two bucks, all you had to do was wait in a line five times longer than usual and then endure the hassle of four or five mix-ups before you got your regular joe with cream and sugar, which by that time was lukewarm. But it was free!

Halftime

In Wal-Mart last week, I stumbled across a guy in the men’s room who was washing his foot. Not both feet, mind you, just the one. I don’t know what’s sadder: that this harried fellow only had time to scrub half his body or that I’m spending my free time people watching in the Wal-Mart bathroom.

Blood moon

When the last of the sun’s light bled from the fat moon on Sunday, I was out in the woods of Durham, eating barely cooked meat next to an open fire while agitated coyotes howled around me. I ask you, is that manly or what? Hint: It’s very manly.

Symbolism

A nice lady called to admonish me for incorrectly writing “symbols” in last week’s column when I clearly meant to write “cymbals,” as in “every time that toy monkey clangs its cymbals together, somebody dies in horrific fashion. It’s wicked neat.” My shame is great and it shan’t happen again.

Water found on Mars!

Nestle to begin selling it for $3.99 a bottle. Ba dum da! OK, I stole this joke from local funnyman Mark Turcotte, but since he’s a professional comedian, it’s perfectly legal, probably.

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