Mayoral debate

I thought what’s-his-face made some good points while who’s-his-head was just all over the road. As always, I’m voting for the guy with the least obnoxious campaign sign.

You gotta want it

Actually, I’m always surprised by how many people throw their hat in for the mayor’s gig. Being the mayor of Lewiston, to me, seems like something you do if you crave abuse. It’s like applying for the position of spit bucket. Speed bump. Handkerchief. Air sickness bag. Pinata. Chew toy.

My apologies

I thought it would be much easier to compile a list of Things That Get Abused. Of course, most of the good ones are not fit for a family newspaper. I’m told.

Crueltide

That’s what I call the phenomenon wherein I come upon what I think is going to be an awesome Halloween lawn display only to find out it’s actually Christmas decorations. Decorating for Christmas before Halloween should be punishable by something involving tinsel, a mile of tangled cords and a yule log.

Grinding on

The principal of Gorham High says the school will not offer any school dances this year because administrators believe modern dance culture is too suggestive for them to condone. Well, huh. Who knew John Lithgow could be a Midwest preacher AND a Maine high school principal?

I won the Powerball!

is what I’d say if I had won the Powerball. Sucker! You already had the phone in your hand to call me with some wretched sob story, didn’t you? You get nothing!

Deadly bouquet

Several people have written to ask me about roadside flowers planted at various locations around Lewiston. Like I’m some sort of botanical expert or something. The flowers can be seen on the island that divides Main Street, near Lisbon Street, and along the edges of Kennedy Park. “I swear I saw one on the corner of Canal and Chestnut eat a Smart Car and a pigeon,” said one local man, who was probably nearly sober at the time. I don’t know what kind of flowers these are, but one freaked-out resident describes them as “creepy and hideous,” while another suggests they look like they belong in the Addam’s Family home. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I staked out the flowers overnight in an attempt to learn more about their behavior. You are not going to BELIEVE who’s pollinating these things.

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