Are you hitting on me?

So last Friday, I wandered into the newsroom only to find not one, not two, but THREE copies of the newspaper’s sexual harassment policy on my desk. Three of them. I don’t know what they’re trying to tell me here, but I deny it all. I haven’t had any of those problems since I got married and gave up interns.

PS

I like that shirt you’re wearing. You want to get a drink?

Heck bent?

Rep. Bruce Poliquin used this term to describe his determination in solving veterans issues. Heck bent. I think this solves the old debate. It IS possible to clean up the language so much, that it ends up sounding filthier than it would have the old way.

Royal potty mouth

I know you don’t follow baseball much now, since the Red Sox turned into extras from “The Walking Dead,” but did you catch that Royals game on Monday? The one where they were down 6-2 in the eighth, facing elimination, but which they won anyway? The one where I tried my best not to swear in front of my 13-year-old niece, who was also watching the game? I tell you, I was heck bent on keeping it clean for the lass. Heck bent.

And then

I did plenty of screaming Wednesday night, too, although by that point, it was too incoherent to be considered profane. The worst thing to come out of my mouth, I think, was “GARIBATICAL JOSEPHISTIC GRANITE CAMARO!” I’m sorry you had to hear that.

‘. . . found unconscious in a Las Vegas brothel’

I would like someone to slip that in my obituary when the time comes, alongside “played a hell of a game of Foosball.” Neither are true, mind you, but by the time I’m dead, I’ll be able to live with that.

Decaffeinated

At Mountain Valley High School, they’re serving coffee to students. What took you so long, school people? If they’d provided coffee when I was in high school, I might have graduated on time. Could never remember my locker combination because I was too tired. Some days, I couldn’t even find the school. So, what I’m saying here is that my scholastic performance wasn’t my fault, it was yours. I’ve always suspected.

Farmington man shoots self trying to save chicken

Now that I think of it, put “trying to save chicken” somewhere in my obituary, as well. I’m heck bent on having the best obit ever.

No Gunz allowed

It’ll be interesting to see how many local businesses put up “No Guns” signs to prevent their law-abiding customers from doing what they’ve probably been doing for years. It will also be interesting to see how many criminals are thwarted by this strategy. I can see them now, standing outside the store all stymied and defeated by ink on paper. “Aw, man. I was going to rob this joint today, but they put up a sign. Guess I’ll have to go get a job and make an honest living.” Hopefully constitutional carry laws won’t turn us into a killing field, like that horrible, crime-ravaged Vermont.

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