Aaaaaalrighty then

I was in the checkout line at the Lewiston Hannaford the other night when an older couple in front of me found themselves a few dimes short of their total. The clerk, a teenage boy, waved them through, telling the couple not to worry about it and that he’d cover it. When the older couple was gone, I commended the clerk on his generosity. The teen looked me straight in the eye and, with a young man’s conviction, said: “Dude, did anyone ever tell you you look exactly like Jim Carrey?” It was a very special moment.

Island dwellers

Things are getting freaky out there on the river in Durham. A few weeks ago, I reported seeing a pink flamingo doing its thing out on a little island off Route 136. Most of you accused me of hard drinking and it was very hurtful. Now I’m seeing even weirder things out there. The pink flamingo is gone and in its place is not one, but two whirligig-type creatures with legs that run endlessly in the wind. “I think it might be Tweety and Sylvester,” says a caller named Barbara. Which proves that somebody else sees it. Which means that either those island inhabitants are for real or Barbara and I have been drinking from the same cup of bad hooch.

Auburn’s World Champion Blacksmith

This was a headline in our Tuesday paper. It is also something I would like you to write down to be used later in my obituary. You ARE writing this stuff down, right?

Don’t forget to register your drone

This is a real thing. How long will it be before we have to have it inspected, too? That’d be a real bummer, because the muffler on my drone is totally being held in place by a coat hanger.

You gonna eat that?

To research an upcoming story on a local business that sells edible bugs, I’ll be eating a number of things in coming days, including mealworms, crickets, ants and something called a Superworm. I have no qualms about doing this, which is really funny when you consider that I’m perhaps the fussiest eater in the world. I despise eating and will turn my nose up at pretty much anything you put in front of me, including carrots, onions, any kind of bean, beets, asparagus, peppers, that weird grassy stuff they put on salads, salads, turnips, sweet potato, licorice, Funyuns, anything at a Chinese restaurant that doesn’t come in a poo poo platter, egg salad, tuna salad, tuna casserole (except that one time, but I was drunk and somebody told me it was pie), celery and chop suey (except for the American-style stuff that I make with almost nothing in it). But bugs I’ll eat. I wonder what that says about me.

Copy the Story Link