It’s official: Shopping Siren is getting old.

I hurt my back.

Doing nothing.

Well, that’s not true. I was sitting on the floor. And then I got up. Which is, technically, doing something, but not something that should lead to a weeklong backache. If I had been, you know, executing a stunning double-back-handspring while warding off ninjas, that would be brag-worthy.

Hurt myself getting up? That’s just embarrassing. 

But chances are you’ve been there. Or will be there. Maybe not from sitting on the floor (you’re cooler than I am and better at coming up with an impromptu fighting-ninja story), but almost everyone gets a backache at some point.  

But fear not! I’ve got your back.

* Biofreeze spray, Bedard Pharmacy, $14.99

A menthol and herbal blend spray that is supposed to relieve sore muscles and joints, arthritis and back pain. Also available in a gel and rub-on stick. I can’t vouch for its effectiveness, but it sure sounds good. Just don’t twist yourself into a knot trying to spray the middle of your aching back; that’s the definition of “defeats the purpose.” It’s in the dictionary.

* Bed Buddy Body Wrap, Bedard Pharmacy, $28

Reusable wrap that provides cold or moist heat. Better than the ice-wrapped-in-a-dish-towel method. Especially if what you need is heat.     

* Back supports, Bedard Pharmacy, $40 to $65

Various support braces and belts in a range of sizes and covering different needs. A Bedard associate said she’s happy to help fit customers so they get just the right one. Nice! So no need to buy, try on at home in front of your good mirror and return, like jeans. Not that I’ve ever done that.

* Tennessee Enterprises slat rocking chair, Furniture Superstore, $298

Wooden rocker with thick logs for a frame, a high, straight back and a hard square of wood for a seat. Need firm? This has got your firm. It’s also got your rustic, your country and your emergency timber in case of Apocalypse. Huzzah!

* HoMedics 3-D shiatsu massage pillow with heat, Bed Bath & Beyond, $49.99

Pillow provides heat and a kneading massage to soothe aching muscles. You may not be able to dump your massage therapist for this, but it’s a nice alternative. Pair with a glass of wine and the latest Brad Pitt movie and you’ve got yourself an evening.    

* Roll-A-Lotion, Bed Bath & Beyond, $9.99

An “As seen on TV” product that looks like a long back scratcher with a bumpy reservoir on the end. Fill the reservoir with body lotion, suntan lotion, massage oil or your other favorite liquid-ish substance and rub over your back. This thing-on-a-stick may not soothe a backache by itself, but it could help prevent one. See the aforementioned Biofreeze twist.

* Star Wars memory foam back rest, Bed Bath & Beyond, $39.99

In Darth Vader and R2-D2 designs. Get your geek on and your back well.

Best find: Back Joy SitSmart seat, Bed Bath & Beyond, $39.99

Plastic seat designed to position your body and correct posture to help with back pain. According to the package: “Change your posture, change your life.” Sounds good. Much better than the old, “Sit up straight or no dessert.”

Think twice: About ignoring your back

It’s all fun and games until you have to make up a story about ninjas.

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (whose backs ache when it’s time to get off the couch but not when they see a squirrel) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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