Home invasion!

Earlier in the week, a local woman called 911 to report either a turkey or a rooster trying to get into her house. An emergency dispatcher sent over either a cop or a fireman to deal with the situation. The bird was either removed from the home or left there. Either nobody was hurt, or somebody got his eyes pecked out. It was very sordid.

Rooster, that is!

I’m going to suggest that it was a rooster based on the fact that when a policeman approached, the bird chest-bumped the officer and barked “Go – I say, go away, boy, you bother me. You’re a nice-mannered kid, just a little on the dumb side. If you don’t quit talkin’ so much you’ll get your tongue sunburned.” That’s the way it went down, all right. It’s right there in the report.

Escaping death

An owl found injured in the roadway in Hartford Wednesday later died. However, a fawn found splashing around in the Lewiston dump retaining pond on Monday survived the ordeal. She did it by slipping beneath a conveniently placed dumpster that, for some reason, had about a foot of clearance at the bottom. That’s a perfectly believable story right there and you should just shut up about it.

This is the end

If you don’t get the above reference, no need to fret over it. It’s a “Walking Dead” thing. That show is walking dead to me. That bit with Glenn would have been more believable if they’d had him fall into the gnashing throng of zombies only to wake up as Bob Newhart in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.

Sheesh

If you don’t get THAT reference either, just stop reading. I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Baltic dry index tumbles to record low

It’s times like these that make me thankful I don’t live in Balta.

Your regular teacher could not be here today

Apparently there’s a shortage of substitute teachers locally. Reading about it made me recall how giddy excited we always got when our regular teacher was out. We’d abuse the new guy in a variety of ways: completely rearranging the seating order, dropping our pencils at the same pre-determined moment, swapping names with our classmates, lying about homework assignments, speaking in pig Latin and insisting our regular teacher let us do it, requesting repeated trips to the bathroom, making gross bodily noises (and, when questioned, feigning exotic illnesses), raising our feet instead of our hands, demanding nap time and a dozen other things I’ve since forgotten. Good times. Say, I wonder why there’s a shortage?

Fed raises interest rates

That’s what all the headlines say, but it’s a lie. The Federal Reserve raised the rates and they’re about as federal as Federal Express. The Federal Reserve is a privately owned banking cartel, a creature that sprang from a meeting of banksters on Jekyll Island in 1910. Putting “federal” in their name was a clever trick, somewhat like The Grinch throwing on a white beard and red hat and telling everyone he’s Santa.