Touché

That’s how I pronounce “Tourtière,” the traditional Christmas dish which the people of Lewiston, for some reason, refer to only as “meat pie.” Not very imaginative, people of Lewiston. Not to mention that it’s great fun to say “Tourtière.” Your tongue slams against your teeth in all kinds of exciting ways and, if you say it correctly, you will spit bits of food on people 30 feet away. Now that’s Christmas. Come to think of it, in my 20 years here I’ve never gotten a good explanation why the term “Tourtière” is almost unheard in Lewiston. What’s up with that?

Furthermore

Why do you people insist on referring to shepherd’s pie, which consists of All-American potatoes, hamburger and corn, as “Pâté Chinois,” which means “Chinese pie?”

Spoiler alert

I know nothing about Star Wars and barely remember the characters from the first film, yet I spent the week in a cold panic, utterly terrified that I would somehow spill the beans about the shocking ending that so galvanized the movie-going world. I only know the shocking ending because some dolt spilled it to me a day after the movie opening. So now I have to carry this dark secret around, living my days in fear that I will become unable to contain it and I’ll just randomly start screaming the horrible truth about Chewbacca.

As the days lengthen, the cold will strengthen

This is something my Gramma used to say when I was a tot. Year after year it proves to be true, yet the utterance of this line always gave me chills. It sounds like the delivery of some ancient curse, doesn’t it? Say it in Latin and things really start to happen.

Our national shame

Did you know that the United States of America ranks 182nd among all nations alphabetically? This is just a disgrace. It’s also the main reason why I’ve always longed to live in Aardvarkistan.

Gift wrapped

Every year around this time, massive dents appear in the walls of my home. Why, you ask? Because it’s the time of year when things need to be wrapped in pretty paper and lord, how I stink at wrapping things in pretty paper. Seriously, how do you people make this look so easy? It should be as simple as folding the ends of the paper and taping it in place, but it never is. Either I cut the paper too short and strips of the enclosed goods are exposed, or I cut the paper too long and it bunches in a variety of exciting ways and then the paper tears while you’re attempting to wrestle it into submission. I hate it. Hate it! You’re all getting gifts in Shaw’s bags from now on.

The holiday squeeze

An alert and probably sober reader reports overhearing a customer in a local store asking where she could get her handbag mammogramed.

Crowning Miss Universe

Poor Steve Harvey, put the crown on the wrong lass’ head. My heart bleeds for the fellow: here’s a dude surrounded by so many beautiful women, he can’t keep them straight. Maybe we should ask Harvey to oversee the 2016 presidential election. Putting the wrong candidate in office would probably be the best thing ever for the country. Welcome aboard, President Sheen!