Some weeks we draw column inspiration from our own lives. For instance if there’s a birthday gift or Valentine we need to shop for.

Other weeks we take Bliss from our closets. Like, do we need sandals for spring? (And we do, so that’s coming, but not this week.)

And sometimes we get our ideas from the news. The glorious, we-could-not-make-this-up, we-cannot-stop-smiling news.

This week, we salute you, Boaty McBoatface.

That leading contender for the name of Britain’s Natural Environment Research Council’s new $300 million research vessel (polls are still open until April 16!), inspired us to go nautical-theme shopping.

To be clear, we know nothing about boating — though we do look good in a navy stripe and we have watched “The Love Boat,” so there’s that.

Set sail for shopping greatness! And, by the way, we will now be known as Baggy McBaglicious and the Sirenia of the Seven Seas.

* Vapor 10XT Old Town kayak, Al’s Sports Center, $495

When it comes to kayaks, weight matters and length matters, but we know so little about kayaks, it matters not to us. This kayak was a sweet, eye-catching lime-yellow and included a stowaway hatch with enough room to house Chinese takeout, a fluffy beach towel and the latest guilty pleasure from Danielle Steele. That’s how we boat.

The much more nautically versed staff at Al’s can help with the rest, no doubt.

* Carlisle kayak paddle, Al’s Sports Center, $59.95

In a pretty orange-sunburst color. See aforementioned note about the salesperson helping you find the right length. Because the paddle should be as long as you are tall? Or as long as you are old? Something like that.

* O’Brien Black Magic kneeboard, Al’s Sports Center, $172.95

For the fun of being towed behind a motorboat. (Thank you, Wikipedia!) Sounds like a blast. Also wet. A wet blast.

Someone should add that to the Wikipedia page.  

* Giant flamingo pool float, BJ’s Wholesale Club, $39.99

Not just a flamingo — a “giant” 72-inch by 72-inch flamingo. If there’s a better way to spend a Saturday in July than lathered in SPF 50 and lounging on a giant, floating bird, we don’t know what it is.

* OCBC stand-up paddle board, BJ’s Wholesale Club, $399.99

Includes paddle, leash and roof rack. This looks difficult but fun, and great for your abs. And that’s just lifting it onto your car.

* Swimways body board, BJ’s Wholesale Club, $12.99

Foam board covered in Avengers heroes or Star Wars villains. Probably meant for kids, but that wouldn’t stop us from buying one. Or, you know, both. For those Darth Vader days that can’t be improved by Captain America.  

* Boys’ shark swim trunks, Kmart, $15.99

A “Jaws”-inspired print. Trunks come with a pair of swimming goggles with 3-D lenses. For, um, underwater theatrical fare.

(Note: Kmart has 20 percent off kids’ swimwear through Saturday. So you can both get ’em on sale and avoid the summer rush. You remember summer? It’s that three-week period when we don’t have snow.)

* Jaclyn Smith women’s cover-up, Kmart, $34.99

Lacy, crocheted white cover-up with a hood. Perfect for lounging topside as Gopher plays matchmaker with hilarious results and Isaac keeps up a steady stream of patter and a constant supply of sweet umbrella drinks. We weren’t kidding when we said “The Love Boat” is our only nautical frame of reference.

Best find: Four-pack of life vests, Kmart, $32.99

Forget the life vests designed for looks or comfort; these orange, old-school classics sling around your neck and click around your front and say, “I’m not a trendsetter. I am a Serious Boater.” Like your grandfather wore, only … nope, these are exactly like the kind your grandfather wore.

Think twice: Swimways aqua riders, BJ’s Wholesale Club, $9.99

Foam noodles topped with shark, flamingo or narwhal foam heads. Eye-roll worthy considering you can get foam noodles for a buck or two nowadays and there’s very little difference between those noodles and these, except for the heads.

But. Narwhals!

And with that, here’s our money. 

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who will dive headlong into the ocean waves but flee at bathtime) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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