Soft shell

So, now it’s official. The lobster is the state crustacean. I’m happy for the spider-looking sea creature that tastes so delightful in butter, but has anyone considered the feelings of the lowly crayfish in all this? I’m pretty sure I saw a crayfish on Lisbon Street in Lewiston the other night and he was looking pretty down about the whole thing. Poor little fella was all gloomy and unkempt. Looked like he had just crawled out from under a rock.

Crawfish?

Wait, is it crayfish or crawfish? Not to mention crawdad. Is there a difference or are they one in the same? Don’t tell me to Google it, little mister. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The Panama Papers

This is turning out to be quite the scandal, but when I first came across the term in a headline, I thought they were talking about something else entirely. The very first image I got, man, was of that giant strip of rolling paper that came with Cheech & Chong’s “Up in Smoke” album. Off-shore finance is far out.

I got your minimum share

Twenty years on the job and every time I’m sent to cover a school committee meeting, it still sounds like everybody in the room is speaking a mix of Romulan and Pig Latin. It’s all fiscal this and allocated that, and what the heck is a title one fund, anyway? For the first half-hour, I convince myself that I’m the butt of a grand practical joke in which everyone else is playing a role. Ha ha ha! Great fun, fellas! You got me! Then I discover that it’s all for real and begin to sob quietly into my notebook.

Prom night

I haven’t had this many people ask me to the prom since . . . Well, never. A good half-dozen people contacted me during the week to inquire whether I was going to the adult prom in Lewiston. It works out this way. I had planned to go with Lisa Berlini, but then she changed her mind when she was invited to go with Brad Gaines. Crushed, I then turned my attention back to Winnie Cooper, but damn the luck. She was going to the dance with that snake Kirk McCray. I figured I’d ask Carrie White at that point, but she used her mind to fling me across the gymnasium, which I thought was just plain rude.

Opening day

The biggest swing of the bat so far this season appears to be the mighty rip taken by that scoundrel Negan in “The Walking Dead’s” annoying cliffhanger. The dude clearly has anger issues, probably because he wasn’t invited to the prom.

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