Fireball streaks across Maine!

They say it was a beautiful thing, a blazing piece of space rock burning hot enough to turn night into day. It happened at about 1 a.m., which is the hour of day that I’m at my most alert. So did I witness this cosmic marvel some are calling the coolest thing they’ve ever seen? No, sir or madam, I did not. Outer space hates me, you know. Whenever there are sky wonders at work, you can bet that I’m in the shower, in my basement or underneath my bed, looking for that thing I dropped. I NEVER see this awesome stuff. Meanwhile, thumb-suckers who go to bed at 8 p.m. somehow seem to witness these spectacles every time they happen. How is that fair? I’m bitter. I’m going to find that chunk of space rock just so I can kick it.

Hyperspace

I once missed a UFO sighting — described as “totally awesome!” — because I was in the arcade playing Asteroids at the time. Irony also hates me.

The truth is back there

Then there’s the time I traveled waaaaaay out to Nevada to visit Area 51 only to learn that there had been some kind of meteor event — described as “neat!” — back here in central Maine. Space, irony and the desert. They all hate me.

My name is Mark and I’ll be your reporter tonight

Is what I wanted to say when I was sent to cover a meeting Wednesday night at DaVinci’s. I almost did it, too, but of course, if no one laughed, then it would just be awkward and I’d have to bring them all butter or something.

Sketchy folks

At the same meeting, a group of developers offered an architectural rendering of what the new apartment complex will look like once it’s erected (hee) on downtown Lisbon Street in Lewiston. The image shows happy people wandering up and down Lisbon Street around the new edifice. A dark-haired woman in a short coat holds a briefcase and stares dreamily at Fleet Bank, while a suited man talks on his cell phone next to a fire hydrant. A harried woman stands in the middle of the sidewalk, frantically searching a pocket while clutching a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, a couple in a doorway have just completed some kind of transaction that looks pretty sketchy in my book. Future police ought to look into this.

Things are looking up

Several people wrote to ask for my opinion on a story that ran Monday about the completion of the first-ever penis transplant. I don’t know what to say. Thank you for thinking of me?

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