Life-changing news $1

I couldn’t help noticing, while standing in line and pretending I wasn’t looking at the other guy’s purchases, that the Dollar Store now sells a pregnancy test. Maybe it’s me, but when it comes to the kind of development that might cause a guy to move to Mexico in the dead of night, maybe you want to shell out for a brand that doesn’t have a stork on the label. That kit is probably nothing more than a modified glow stick with a pee strip.

Bust a move

Not that I’m advising anyone to shirk his fatherly duty by moving to Mexico, mind you.

Economic conditions are much better in New Zealand.

Foot Fonz

Some dude wrote me the other day to commend me for giving a thumbs-up with my foot in the Sunday paper. I figured the guy was high on the glue, but no. He was referring to a piece I had written about yoga; among the photos was a picture of me sitting on a mat with my toe held proudly in the air like a . . . I don’t know. Foot flag or something. From the ankle down, I’m like Fonzie out there. There’s a lot of power in that big toe, you know. If I kick a juke box with it, a song will magically begin to play. After which, I usually get thrown out of Arnold’s and have to go to the emergency room.

Roughing it

Some intrepid camper has set up a tent in a front yard on Bartlett Street in Lewiston. Boy, they’ll put a KOA anywhere these days. Tell you one thing, though. Take the family camping on Bartlett Street and you’re bound to see wild life.

Hoser

On Wednesday, a man in Lewiston called the fire department to report that he had dropped his cigarette, burning a hole in his T-shirt, while walking on Ash Street. I was going to interview the fellow, but as the firefighters blasted him with the hose, I don’t know where he went.

Just kidding

They didn’t really use the hose. Don’t you DARE get me in trouble with the fire guys.

Phantom fight fans

The great Muhammad Ali is dead and as a result, the number of people who were at his 1965 fight against Sonny Liston in Lewiston has somehow tripled. That’s some complex retroactive math right there.  Filthy liars. It’s a real insult to those of us who were actually there.

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