Presumpscot Python

Among this Westbrook critter’s many talents, it’s able to generate filthy sounding headlines on media websites across the nation. Go ahead. Try to write a line about this serpent’s exploits that doesn’t sound like the work of a giggling seventh-grader. I dare you.

Let’s make some noise

I have this weird habit. When I’m checking out at the grocery store, I have to make these little sound effects as I use the card reader. You know, a little “zooot” when I’m punching the key to decline cash back, perhaps a quick “katchoon!” when I verify the amount. I try to tell myself that I do this softly enough so that nobody hears me, but the jig is up. A clerk at Shaw’s called me on this strange custom by uttering a perfectly intoned “vvvvit!” when she handed over my receipt. It was a beautiful thing. Frankly, I think sound effects should be mandatory in all cash transactions.

El Mechon love

Also at Shaw’s, on three separate occasions this week, people in the parking lot have gone out of their way to praise the awesomitude of my motorcycle. Two were adults who offered manly “nice bike” remarks, while a third was a boy of about 6 who leaned out the passenger-side window of his mom’s car to proclaim “I LOVE YOUR MOTORCYCLE!” My bike is a rock star. Makes me feel weird about how much time I spend sitting on him.

Brexit

When I first heard the term, I thought it was just another medication. And it is, sort of. Brexit promotes sovereignty and freedom while staving off the infection of totalitarianism. Side effects may include Departugal, Italeave and Austria la Vista, baby. Although, for the record, I still think it’s nothing more than a rich man’s trick.

It happened in Westbrook

“Slithering, elongated reptile dines on semi-aquatic rodent before traversing watercourse.” I did it! That doesn’t sound even slightly filthy! Although, I suppose some scholarly types could find it kind of hot.

I don’t need no stinkin’ GPS

You know what else happened in Westbrook? I got lost. A lot. I was looking for the town park and when I came upon Park Road, and I just assumed . . . Here’s a hint for anyone traveling through Westbrook: Park Road has a bunch of mills on it, a few nice houses and a lot of people walking dogs, but not a single park. This is clearly a trick. We should respond locally by changing Canal Street to Oceanview Boulevard or by calling the industrial park The Auburn Mall. Take that, people of Westbrook.

Let’s talk

Got a good sleepwalking or sleeptalking story? Write me, call me or just wander over to my place in your onesie and meet me at the refrigerator. Drop me a line at mlaflamme@sunjournal.com

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