You cheer. You wince. And then you wonder: When is this fellow going to tell his brand new bride that he lives in a bus?

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren are completely smitten with A&E’s “Married at First Sight.”

Like, SMITTEN.

Shopping Siren discovered the show last year and recommended it to BL, who then binge-watched two seasons to catch up. It’s become a chocolate-level obsession.

The show’s premise: A panel of experts match six pairs of strangers who agree to meet for the first time at the alter and get legally married, then have a camera crew follow them around for the next six weeks while they learn each others’ names, likes, dislikes, habits and quirks.

At the end of six weeks, the couples meet back up with the experts to reveal whether they want to get a divorce or go the distance (you know, like staying married for another month, at least).

It’s addictive. It’s riveting. It’s for hopeless romantics who also love a good train wreck.

Will your favorite couple share a passionate seduction? Will they crash and burn? (In all likelihood, yes and yes! Grab the popcorn.) 

Part of the show’s pre-wedding ritual is the presentation of a gift to your bride- or husband-to-be (whom you’ve never met) for a very first impression. So this week we went out on a quest: What would we buy our unseen husband-to-be, setting aside for a second that BL is already married and SS wouldn’t marry a stranger for a jillion dollars?

Among the answers: Toast and not slime.

Blackie’s Farm Stand, Auburn

BL’s pick: Native wild blueberries, pint, $6.29

High in antioxidants, shows off state of Maine pride and perfect for pancakes, which anybody but a total jerk should like. (Everybody knows jerks don’t like pancakes.) So really, win-win-win.

SS’s pick: Canadian strawberries, quart, $6.49

Luscious, sweet and romantic as heck when dipped in chocolate and fed to your new spouse one at a time. Between nibbles you can take advantage of the quiet closeness to learn more about each other. Like, where are you from? And, what’s your name again? 

But not: Naked juices, 15.2 oz., $2.99

You’ve known this person for approximately 11 seconds. It’s too soon for naked anything. Just . . . too soon.

Republic Jewelry

BL’s pick: Boston Celtics toaster, $29.95

It’s a little cute. It’s a little kitschy. It’s a Celtics’ shamrock lightly scorched into your breakfast. This gift says, “I am full of surprises. And toast.”

SS’s pick: Giant green gecko, $24.95

This stuffed animal is about the size of a pony and, according to a little sign, it’s named Jeff. (Or maybe it’s on hold for Jeff? The slip of paper wasn’t terribly specific. Not for nothing, Jeff is a great gecko name.)

For something more portable, Republic Jewelry also has an entire wall of Beanie Babies priced around $5 each or so. Whether a giant gecko or mini elephant, stuffed animals are adorable and fun, which says you’re adorable and fun, which is the perfect kind of first impression to make.

Unlike the first impression of grilling your new spouse about his preferred definition of “occasional” in an effort to ferret out how often he “occasionally” smokes. We’re talking to you, Heather-of-Season 4.

But not: Boston Red Sox pacifiers, set of two, $7.95

Again, too soon. No better way to freak out a stranger than to reference the baby you’re going to have together.

Auto Zone

BL’s pick: Autobot or Decepticon metal car decal, $12.99

Let your geek flag fly and hope he has a geek flag, too.

SS’s pick: Tuff Stuff multipurpose foam cleaner, 22 ounces, $4.49

Shows you’re committed to sticking things out, no matter how messy they get. A good guideline for marriage, arranged or otherwise. 

But not: Slime tire sealant, $8.99-$10.99

In either spray or green gel (which we assume is extra slimy). It says, “We’re going to break down a lot.” It also says, “Slime.” Hard pass.

Office Max

BL’s pick: Small purple journal, $5.59

For chronicling your adventures together. The saying on the cover reads, “We are not here to wait for the storm to pass, but to learn to dance in the rain,” which seems like the perfect sentiment when getting hitched to a stranger.

SS’s pick: iPlanet mini cable selfie stick, $6

A modern TV marriage deserves a modern gift, so squeeze together, smile and commemorate this momentous occasion by snapping a cellphone picture. If he prints out the photo, you’ll know it’s love.

But not: Precious Pearl, $9.99

It’s a pearl, in an oyster, in a can, in a box. As seen on TV. The pearl comes in one of five surprise colors, each color bearing a different meaning. Of which only one color — black! — means love. After cracking open the aforementioned box, then can, then oyster, your new spouse has to shove said pearl into the accompanying locket. Nothing about this is fun. And as we learned this season, some cultures consider pearls bad luck during weddings.

So skip the horrible omen and maybe write a heartfelt card instead? Something like, “Dear Husband, it’s nice to meet you.”  

Don’t go away yet:

Bliss is now on Facebook! Want to chat about “Married at First Sight,” the latest shop opening downtown or which coupons are good for Kohl’s? We’re there! Join us at facebook.com/blissthrushopping for shopping, savings, pop culture, general geeking out and cat videos. Because cats. 

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are currently binge watching a decade’s worth of the Westminster dog show) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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